


(you are ecstacy, you are, you are) you are my dopamine

by zoeysdianetti



Category: Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist (TV)
Genre: College AU, Coming Out, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Original Character(s), Pining, Slow Burn, despite being set in 2020 there are no worldwide disasters like covid and fires, gay movie nights, haha remember when i said no angst?? great joke, i know i said slow burn but it's only slow burn-ish because i wanted these idiots to get together, i was actually waiting for someone else to write this but nobody did so here we are, idiots to lovers, literally everyone is gay, mentions (internalised) homophobia, oops i've made an oc and have fallen in love with them, this is a no angst zone ✨
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:40:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 30,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25922974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zoeysdianetti/pseuds/zoeysdianetti
Summary: Ava is excited to start her first year at Berkeley University. When she first meets her roommate Joan, they click and soon become inseperable. They become friends with other people in their dorm and try to get through their first year of college together. But Joan is hiding something, and Ava is not amused when she finds out what it is.This story should be set in the late 80s or early 90s to fit in the canon timeline, but I decided to set it in 2020 for gay reasons.
Relationships: Joan Bennett/Ava Price, Joan/Ava Price (Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 37





	1. 1. oh my god they’re in college

**Author's Note:**

> a few notes before you start reading:  
> \- i am from belgium and have no clue how university works in america. i am basing all of this on pitch perfect and gilmore girls, so if any of this is incorrect, please just ignore it  
> \- as mentioned in the summary: this story should be set in the late 80s or early 90s, but i decided to set it in 2020, because that way i could do a more open minded setting. also i just wasn’t alive in that time so that would only make the whole thing more complicated
> 
> that’s all! i hope you enjoy reading this as much as i enjoy writing it!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ava arrives at Berkeley University and meets her new roommate, Joan.

Ava had dreamt about going to Berkeley for years. She is still trying to process the whole array of first impressions, when she enters her dorm for the first time. She’s in Stern, a dorm that, supposedly, houses only women-identified students. 

“Hi! Do you need help finding your room?”

Ava looks up from her campus map that stopped being useful the second she set foot inside Stern. In front of her is a girl holding a clipboard, smiling wide.

“Yes please. Ava Price, someone told me earlier my room would be on the second floor?”

The girl checks her clipboard and nods when she finds Ava’s name.

“You’re in 12B.” The girl walks over to a desk covered in neatly lined up keys and grabs one of them. “Follow me.” 

Ava does as she’s told. While they’re walking, the girl introduces herself as Yasmine. She points out a few important things they pass (snack machines, the communal area with couches and a tv, bathrooms and showers) and explains the building used to be female students only, but because the university is trying to be a more inclusive and open-minded institution, they changed it to women-identified students. The second floor, however, also houses a bunch of non-binary, genderfluid and agender students. Yasmine comes to a stop in front of a closed door.

“12B, this will be your room for the year.” She hands Ava the key. “Your roommate isn’t here yet, but she is supposed to arrive before 5 PM. You could start unpacking or explore campus for a bit. You can get dinner anytime between 5:30 and 8:30, but keep in mind that shoes and shirts are required in the dining hall. If you have any questions, feel free to stop anyone wearing a Berkely shirt and carrying a clipboard. We’re here to help.”

Ava smiles gratefully. “Thank you.”

Yasmine leaves as Ava unlocks the door, eager to find out what’s on the other side. Sure, she saw pictures, but that’s not the same as actually seeing the room where she’ll spend her first year as a college student. She hates sounding like a cliché, but Ava is excited for this whole new chapter of her life.

By the time Ava is halfway done unpacking, there’s a knock on the door. She turns around to find a tall, dark haired woman looking back at her.

“Hi. I’m Joan, your roommate for the year.”

“I’m Ava, welcome.”

Ava reaches out to shake Joan’s hand. Looking at her a second time, Ava notices her bright blue eyes. When she saw Joan standing in the doorway, she had assumed the dark brown hair would come with brown eyes.

“I’ve already started unpacking, I hope you don’t mind I claimed the left part of the room?”

“Why would I?” Joan chuckles. “It’s the exact same furniture on both sides.”

“You’re probably right.”

Joan puts her stuff on the right side of the room and starts unpacking. Just like Ava, Joan brought two duffel bags and a small backpack, nothing more.

“Are your parents bringing more stuff later?” Ava asks. She has seen multiple people walking around on campus with their parents, all carrying loads of stuff to the dorms.

“No. I came all alone, bringing my parents or more stuff would’ve been too expensive.”

Ava raises her eyebrows, not sure what to say to that.

“I’m sorry, that may have been a little bit too much information to dump on you. We don’t even know each other.”

“We’re gonna get to know each other,” Ava shrugs. “Where are you from?”

“Bismarck, North Dakota. I took a plane here with all my stuff, so I couldn’t really bring much. What about you?”

“I’m from San Francisco, just drove my car here. It’s barely a 20 minute drive.”

“Oh, so your parents  _ are _ bringing more stuff?” Joan asks.

“No, my dad is in France for business and my mom is in prison.”

Joan seems shocked by the way Ava says it. As if it’s nothing, as if it’s the most normal thing in the world.

“I’m sorry about that,” she says.

“Don’t be. I never knew anything else, I’ve never even visited her. My parents got divorced when I was little, I don’t really know my mom. According to my dad she should get out next year, but odds are she’s already out for good behaviour. Neither of us kept in touch with her or her family.”

Joan sits down on her bed, taking a break from unpacking. Ava is still putting up decorations, her back turned to Joan. Joan wants to say something, but she has no idea what’s appropriate. She doesn’t want her roommate to hate her for the rest of the year because she said something insensitive.

“So what’s your major?” Ava asks, saving Joan from more overthinking.

“Programming.”

“Oh, same here! I guess we’ll be seeing each other a lot then!”

Joan smiles. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“I’m done unpacking, do you want some help?” Ava offers.

“That would be nice, thank you.”

While Ava makes Joan’s bed, they get to know each other better. Ava learns that, just like her, Joan is an only child. Joan dreams of being CEO of her own tech company someday, while Ava is fine with whatever comes next. Right now, she just wants to graduate.

On their way to the dining hall, Joan asks: “So what other classes are you gonna sign up for? Like, the non-programming related ones?”

“I haven’t decided yet, but there is one I’m sure about.”

“Oh, which one?” Joan asks, face turned to Ava.

Ava picks at her chipped nail polish, avoiding eye contact with Joan. “Queer History.”

Joan is silent just a little bit too long before she asks: “Oh, are you… you know?”

“No. No, I’m not. Just interested in the subject,” Ava quickly replies. She tested the water with Joan. She tried. Joan can’t even say the word. Sure, Ava might be a proud lesbian, but this is her roommate for the rest of the year. Right now, she just needs to stay safe for a while. She’ll come out to Joan later, when she’s sure Joan is okay with it. “What about you?” Ava asks, desperate to change the subject.

“I was thinking I might take a film class or something. I don’t know, it sounds interesting,” Joan replies as she pushes the door to the dining hall open.

“That actually sounds fun. What would you do with that? Later in life I mean.”

Joan shrugs. “I don't know. I'll figure it out. Maybe I could use it for marketing? For now I think I’ll just stick to the fun part.”

The girls walk over to a table with their trays. They strike up a conversation with some other girls already sitting there.   
  


* * *

  
Over the course of the first week, Joan and Ava are both busy doing their own stuff. They’re trying out classes, getting to know new people, getting used to college life in general. Still, they get to know each other better while watching movies together at night or over lunch. They bond over their hatred for their Intro to Philosophy professor (he talks like Stingy from LazyTown. At first they think it’s a joke, but it quickly becomes clear it isn’t). Joan tries to convince Ava to try out the filmmaking class with her. Ava agrees, on one condition: Joan has to try out Queer History.

By the end of the first week, they have to decide on which non-programming related classes they’ll be taking. Joan decides to sign up for Intro to Filmmaking and Queer History. Ava goes with Queer History and French. She took French in high school, but still feels like she’s lacking the ability to have a basic conversation.

“So, what made you decide to take Queer History?” Ava asks.

“Well, you were so excited about it and I really liked the introduction class we took, so I decided to sign up. I think I know way too little about everything queer people did in the past to get us where we are today.”

“I know quite a bit already, I wrote an essay on Stonewall in high school, but I’m always ready to learn more.”

Joan smiles. “Well, I’m glad we’re learning more together.” She grabs Ava’s hand and gives it a squeeze. Ava smiles back at Joan. By now, she’s almost certain she misjudged Joan. She’s actually very open-minded, but she was raised in a pretty conservative environment. Still, Ava is waiting for the right moment to come out. Just in case.


	2. getting used to the life and being gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Classes, new friends and gay movie nights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw // mentions of homophobia and conversion camps

“Ava, I swear to God—”

Joan, face buried in her pillow, throws a second pillow in Ava’s direction. Her alarm has been going off for five minutes already and Ava hasn’t shown any sign of life yet. The pillow hits Ava, who groans and weakly throws the pillow back. She doesn’t even open her eyes. Her phone lies on her nightstand, violently vibrating and making that annoying generic iPhone alarm sound. With a loud sigh, Joan gets up, grabs her water bottle from her nightstand and walks over to Ava’s bed. She pours the contents of the bottle over Ava’s head.

“Joan!” Ava yelps.

“Turn off your fucking alarm. It has been going off for ages and _I don’t even have a class this morning._ I’m awake for no reason at all and it’s your fault.”

Ava sits up and squints and the bright light of her phone. When the alarm finally stops going off, she immediately flops back down on her bed. Without the deafening noise of the alarm, other sounds suddenly become audible again. The soft chatter in the hallway, the bird outside the window, Ava’s soft and steady breathing.

“Hey!” Joan yells. “Don’t fall back asleep now. You’re not gonna make me get up because of your alarm and then not get up yourself.”

Ava pulls her pillow over her head, trying to drown out the sound of Joan’s voice. She went to her first college party yesterday and she’s terribly hungover. Joan pokes her side over and over until Ava is forced to get up. 

“Rough night?” Joan grins. Ava nods. Joan hands her a glass of water and a painkiller. “Don’t get used to this, I’m not getting up every time you have a hangover.”

“Thanks, Joan,” Ava smiles. At least, smiling was the goal. In reality a painful grimace is all she can muster.

“I’m going back to bed. What are you gonna do?”

“The same thing. I don’t feel like going to class right now. It’s not like I’m missing anything important anyway, we’re just going over what the semester is gonna be like and what we’re gonna learn.”

Joan offers a half nod instead of an actual reaction, turns her head to the wall and closes her eyes. Her first class of the day, Foundations of Programming, is after lunch. Ava takes the class too, but Joan is not counting on Ava actually going.

* * *

To Joan’s surprise, Ava slides into the seat next to hers for Foundations of Programming. She looks better than last time Joan saw her.

“I didn’t expect you to show up,” Joan whispers. The class has already started.

“I felt better and I didn’t want to miss this class. I’ve heard the prof is a real pain in the ass, so I showered and here I am.”

“Well, you haven’t missed anything yet. He introduced himself as Professor Ian Foster, but we can just call him Foster, and he explained you’re welcome to decide for yourself if you come to class or not, but he doesn’t allow anyone to come in if they’re over ten minutes late.”

“Thanks.”

“Girls in the ninth row, anything you want to share with the rest of us?” Foster asks. The whole lecture hall seems to focus on Joan and Ava now.

“No Sir, sorry. I was late and my friend was telling me what I’d missed.”

He nods and carries on with his lesson, but not before shooting them a warning look. Foster explains the exam will be part multiple choice and part essay. They’ll have two hours to complete both parts, which, according to him, is not a lot of time. Lots of people don’t pass his exam, apparently.

“I’m starting to understand why people say he’s such a pain in the ass,” Ava whispers.

Joan shushes her, scared of attracting Foster’s attention again. Ava turns her face back to her laptop to take notes, Joan is clearly not in the mood for jokes or fun. After an hour of class, Foster announces a ten minute break to get something to eat or go to the restroom.

“Sorry for cutting you off and ignoring you like that,” Joan says as she turns to Ava. “I just didn’t want him to target us from day one already.”

Ava shrugs. “Don’t worry about it, I get it. I’m gonna go to the restroom.”

She gets up and grabs her phone, putting it in her back pocket. There’s a line at the women’s restrooms, _of course._ Across the hall, Ava spots another restroom, one without a line. As she gets closer, she notices the sign hanging on the door. It’s a gender neutral restroom. Ava remembers the email she got last week, announcing the school switched ten of the teacher’s restrooms to gender neutral ones. When she knocks, nobody replies, so she opens the door. There’s only one toilet and a tiny sink, not multiple stalls like in the other restrooms on campus she’s been in, but one toilet is all Ava needs. The walls are covered in fun- and less fun facts about sexuality and gender.

_Did you know the_ _world’s oldest porn_ _, which dates back over 3,000 years, features both male/male, female/female and male/female couples?_

_Did you know being gay and/or transgender is still illegal in over 70 countries?_

_Did you know Tiresias, a character in Greek mythology, lived as both a man and a woman and that’s why the Gods considered him the wisest of all humans?_

By the time Ava gets back, class is about to start again.

”Sorry for running out like that, I didn't meant to be rude. I just really had to pee.”

“Don’t worry about it too much. Here, look. I made a Google doc and added you,” Joan says. “That way we can take notes together, it’s easier.”

“Thanks,” Ava smiles.

* * *

Sitting next to each other in classes and taking notes in the same Google doc for classes they take together becomes a new normal for Joan and Ava. They’re also getting to know more people in their dorm, lots of them also take the Queer History class. Apparently, Stern is a dorm where only one in ten people is straight. Ava is thriving, but she sometimes notices Joan is uncomfortable with all the unapologetic gays around them.

Alix, whose room is also on the second floor, right next to Joan and Ava’s, is sitting on Ava’s bed, sharing a pizza.

“Hey did you hear about movie night?” they ask.

“Maybe?” Ava hears a lot of stuff going around, she has no idea how to keep track.

“I did,” Joan calls from her own bed. “Apparently, because this dorm is so diverse, the students decided they wanted to do a weekly movie night, a different queer movie each week. Did it get approved?”

“It did!” Alix exclaims. “The first one is in two days, they’re playing _But I’m a Cheerleader._ Are you guys coming?”

“Natasha Lyonne? Hell yeah I’m in!” Ava calls out. “What about you Joan?”

Joan plucks at her blanket. She seems to consider the offer before saying: “I’ll think about it.”

Alix shrugs and takes a bite of their pizza. Ava takes the slice from them, because they took the last one. Alix resists, but loses the fight.

* * *

By the time movie night arrives, Ava has convinced Joan to come with her. It took a lot of arguments, some better than others ( _You’ve seen Orange is the New Black, right? You don’t have to be gay to watch a gay movie! Please, for me?_ ), but Joan is coming so it all doesn’t really matter. Student facilities assigned the dorm an auditorium they can use one night a week so they can watch the movie on a big screen. Sure, the chair may not be very comfortable, but it’s better than all huddling up in front of a tv in one of the lounges. Joan had a late class, so when she gets to the auditorium a little before 8 PM, Ava, Alix and some other friends are already waiting for her in the second to last row. Ava waves her over, showing the popcorn she’s holding.

“Freshly popped,” she grins as she hands Joan the second bag. Joan slides into the seat next to Ava and smiles at the others.

“Thanks. When did you guys get here?”

“About five minutes ago, you’re not that late.”

“Oh great, I thought I would be. Dinner took forever. Remind me to never attempt to cook my own dinner anymore when I’m in a rush.”

The lights in the auditorium switch off and the projectors hanging from the ceiling light up both screens on the wall. The opening credits of the movie start and soon enough Joan gets caught up in it. She laughs and cries and tries to relate to Megan. She’s having a hard time with the last one, because their personalities don’t match at all. Then Graham shows up, brave and unapologetic. She’s more Joan’s cup of tea. 

About halfway through the movie Ava runs out of popcorn already, so she starts stealing Joan’s. Eventually, she just hands her the whole bag. It’s easier to grab some popcorn from Ava’s lap every once in a while than it is to deal with Ava’s hand being in between her thighs the whole time. Even if she will never admit it, Ava grabbing popcorn from her lap makes Joan feel _Things._ Things she’s not sure she wants to feel. Things that might ruin the friendship if Joan ever talked to Ava about it. Things that should be pushed far, far down.

After the movie, they sit in the auditorium for a while to talk about the movie.

“It’s crazy how many stereotypes are enforced in this thing,” Ellen, Alix’s girlfriend, says.

“Yeah but isn’t that the point?” Ava counters. “Like, that’s what they’re making fun of, right?”

“I’m gonna have to agree with her,” Joan says. “The movie is terrible but like, good terrible. Sure, they enforce stereotypes and gender roles, but that’s exactly the point. Also, the movie was made in 1999. They could get away with a lot more than movies that are getting made today.”

Alix shrugs. “I guess I can see both sides. What worries me most is that conversion camps are still an actual thing, and not cutesy like in the movie. Queer kids are getting electroshock therapy to be ‘cured’ of their homosexuality. We’re talking about 13 year olds here, they get locked up just because they were born slightly different.”

  
  


“Some people just shouldn’t have kids,” Ava groans. “If you’re not gonna love your kid unconditionally, what’s the point?”

While she says it, she feels brave, but inside she’s dying. She hasn’t come out to anyone in her family yet. Her dad is always away on business and when he’s home, she doesn’t want to ruin what little time she has with him. Her grandparents have proven to be homophobic multiple times and she’s not close enough with any aunts, uncles or cousins to talk about being gay. Ever since her mom went to prison, Ava and her dad have been a team. Just the two of them, the great family shame.

“I’m _so_ lucky to have accepting parents,” Alix says. “I don’t even want to imagine what life had been like if they would’ve kicked me out.”

Ellen hugs them and says: “And I’m lucky to have you.” They kiss, and that’s Joan’s cue to get up and leave.

“Get a room you two.”

“We have one, actually. 10B, come visit us.”

“Yeah, I’m gonna go to the room next door and turn in, thanks. Early class tomorrow and all. Ava, are you coming?”

“I think I’ll just chill with them for a bit. I won’t wake you up when I come in, promise.”

Joan shrugs and leaves.

“Did she seem weird to you?” Ellen asks when Joan is out of earshot.

Ava stares at Joan as she walks out of the auditorium. She shrugs.

“Joan is just a bit… Joan sometimes.”


	3. joan your internalised homophobia is showing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joan has been avoiding Ava and her friends for a while and Ava finds out why

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw // homophobia (kind of? i mean yeah but other people get mad at it so there's immediately a counter argument)

Two weeks have passed since the first movie night. Ava has gone to the next two movie nights with Alix and Ellen, but Joan never showed up again, despite Ava’s invitations. As she’s returning to the dorm after watching _ Love, Simon  _ and making a pit stop at a vending machine for baby carrots, Ava texts her dad. He’s coming home tomorrow and Ava is picking him up at the airport. She hasn’t been home since the start of the academic year, but she’ll be spending the weekend in San Francisco with him. 

Ava walks into her dorm, expecting Joan to be there, but she’s nowhere to be found. Last week was exactly the same. Even aside from movie nights, Ava gets the feeling Joan is avoiding her. She has no idea why. Ava decides to call Joan, because she hasn’t told her she’ll be gone for the weekend yet and her dad’s flight lands at 6 AM tomorrow, so she’ll be gone before Joan is awake.

“Ava?”

“Where are you? I’m in our room and you’re not here.”

“I was just… wandering,” Joan says.

“Well could you wander this way? I need to talk to you.”

Joan goes silent.

“Joan?”

“I’m here. Do we  _ have  _ to talk now? Can’t we do it over the phone?”

Ava sighs. “I’d rather not. Please come back?”

“Okay, fine. I’m coming.”

Joan ends the call. Ava sits there, staring at her blank phone screen for a while. Eventually she gets up again, trying to make herself useful while waiting. She changes into pajamas and brushes her teeth already, sets an alarm for 5 AM (ouch) and starts organising her desk. 

It’s a mess. Earlier today she was catching up on reading and highlighting, so there are several syllabuses spread out and the entire contents of her pencil case are covering the surface of her desk. In her defense, Ava  _ did  _ sort them per colour and then put them in rainbow order, so it’s not a total disaster. Then again, what sane person has 21 highlighters on her desk? While Ava is taking away highlighters and putting them back in her pencil case until there’s only one of each colour left on her desk, Joan sneaks in. Ava almost doesn’t hear her, until Joan throws her shoes aside.

“Joan! You’re back!”

Ava leaps toward her and tries to hug her, but Joan holds up her hands as a sign she wants to be left alone.

“You wanted to talk. I’m here, let’s talk.”

Joan sits down on her bed. Ava considers sitting down next to her, but figures Joan needs her space, so she sits down in her desk chair instead.

“Well… I want to know why you’re avoiding me.”

Joan scoffs. “I’m not avoiding you.”

“Oh really? Because I’ve barely seen you since the first movie night. You always sit at least five rows in front of us in class, you started studying in the library instead of here and when you  _ do  _ sit with us, you barely talk. You’re always on your phone.”

Joan doesn’t say a word. She knows Ava is right, she  _ has  _ been avoiding her and their other friends. The thing is, she always feels so out of place with them. And since that movie night and the popcorn incident, Joan has decided it might be smarter to keep her distance. And the longer she keeps her distance, the more she is convinced the weird feeling when Ava grabbed popcorn from her lap meant nothing. She was just uncomfortable, and that’s what she felt.

“I’m sorry, okay?” Joan says. “Truth is, I just don’t feel very comfortable around you guys. You spend so much time with gay people, I’d start thinking you’re gay too. And I mean, that would be fine. I don’t hate gay people. But I just… want to be normal sometimes too.”

Ava feels like Joan just kicked her right in the chest. _ “Normal?  _ What the fuck does that mean?” She’s not yelling, but she’s making sure Joan can hear how upset she is.

“I don’t know. Less… rainbowy. Alix is so open about everything and that’s great, we should be able to talk about things that used to be taboo, but I feel like I can never just talk about, say, my favourite TV show with them. They always turn it into some kind of activist thing. I bring up  _ Friends, _ they bring up the homophobic writers. I bring up  _ 13 Reasons Why, _ they bring up toxic masculinity and romanticising mental health problems.”

Ava laughs. “To be fair, what  _ do  _ you like about  _ 13 Reasons Why? _ It’s a terrible show.”

“That’s not the point. You get what I’m saying, right? Sometimes I just want to relax and take a break from all the heavy shit.”

“You get to say that. You’re a white woman, as far as I know you’re cishet. For Alix it’s different. They’re a latinx non-binary lesbian. They just want to fight for the minorities, because it actually affects them.” Ava rolls her chair closer to Joan and puts a hand on her leg. “Look, if you want a break, I get that. But don’t just disappear on me. I thought you hated me. Next time, just talk to me.”

Joan looks up at the ceiling, sighs, and then looks Ava in the eyes.

“You don’t get it. I don’t want a break for like, a week. I need more time away from all the gayness.”

“What are you saying?” Ava frowns.

“I’m saying I don’t want to be around Alix or Ellen for a while. It’s all a bit much. Getting used to college is enough on its own, the whole LGBTQ+ thing is something that will have to wait.”

Ava rolls backwards again, hurt by Joan’s words. It must be all over her face, because Joan says: “Ava, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just thought—”

“No. I get it. You want distance from the gayness, from our friends. Fine. You can have it, but you won’t see me either,” Ava says, tears in her eyes. “I’ll go sleep on the floor in Alix and Ellen’s room tonight. Over the weekend you won’t have to see me either, I’ll be at home with my dad.”

“Ava—”

“No. I’ll see you, Joan.”

Ava grabs her blanket, pillow and phone and leaves the room. When Ellen opens the door, she immediately hugs Ava, who completely breaks down. Ellen guides her in and lets her sit down on her bed. With Ellen on one side and Alix on the other, both comforting Ava, she feels safe. After a while, Ava’s body stops shaking with sobs. She wipes her eyes with the palm of her hand and whispers a quiet thanks to both of them.

“What’s wrong babe?” Ellen asks. “You don’t have to tell us, but you can.”

Ava takes a shaky breath in and starts telling them about everything Joan said.

“I’m so sorry,” Alix says afterward. “I’m so, so sorry babe. I assume she doesn’t know you’re a lesbian?”

Ava shakes her head. “I didn’t want to tell her until I was sure it was safe and now I’m so glad I didn’t.”

“That was smart of you,” Alix nods. “What are you gonna do now?”

Ava shrugs. “I’ll be fine this weekend, I’m going home, but after that? No idea. Can I sleep here tonight?”

Alix and Ellen exchange a look and simultaneously nod. “Sure, you can take Alix’s bed, we’ll share mine.”

“Thank you so much Ellen,” Ava smiles.

“Hey, that’s what friends are for, right?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments are super nice you guys


	4. meet ava's dad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ava spends the weekend with her dad, but the fight with Joan is eating her up inside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you'll see ava's playlist mentioned in this chapter and because i take everything way too seriously, i actually made it  
> link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0r4YBwhAauB2rzr1BxdxG3?si=pa8abW8oQiyccKoPAqmeBQ

On the way home from the airport, Ava’s dad, talks nonstop about his trip to France.

“... so we invested in a new vineyard. It hasn’t been operating for very long, but it’s got a lot of promise. Languedoc is mostly really old vineyards, but this one is different.”

Finally, he seems to notice Ava hasn’t said a word since he got in the car.

“Aves, are you okay?”

“I’m fine dad. We’re here.” Ava takes a turn onto their driveway and turns off the engine. “I’ll get your bags, you go inside and rest, you’ve had a long flight.”

She gets out of the driver’s seat and slams the car door a little harder than she meant to. Her dad is left alone in the car, baffled. He’d expected a little more enthusiasm after being gone for four months. He didn’t exactly expect Ava to jump up and down with joy like a dog that’s about to go for a walk, but this is  _ really  _ cold. He finally gets out and takes one of the two bags Ava is holding from her.

“Here, let me take that. Are you sure you’re okay?”

With his free hand, he unlocks the front door and lets Ava go inside first. Once they’re standing in the hallway, Ava dumps his bag on the floor and hugs him tight. He wraps his arms around her, not saying a word. He doesn’t pull back until Ava lets go herself.

“I’ve missed you, Dad.”

“I’ve missed you too kid.”

* * *

Over dinner, Ava tells her dad about her first weeks of college and how everything has been up until now. She tells him about the professor they call Stingy and about the movie nights (although she leaves out the queer aspect of it) and about Alix, Ellen and her other new friends. She talks about everything, except for Joan. She is left out of all her stories and Ava wished she could do the same in real life. Just erase Joan from her college life. Unfortunately, that’s impossible. Even forgetting about her this weekend doesn’t seem to be an option, because her dad brings up the inevitable question.

“So which one of these new friends is your roommate? Is it Kath?”

Ava looks down at her plate, poking her pasta with her fork.

“No,” she mutters.

Her dad just looks at her, waiting.

“Her name is Joan.”

“You haven’t mentioned her yet. How come?”

“We got into a pretty big fight yesterday. I don’t really want to talk about it.”

Seriously, this weekend was supposed to be a distraction from Joan. A little cooperation here,  _ Universe?  _

“You don’t have to. Just know you always can, alright?”

Ava nods. She gets up and starts clearing the table.

“Aren’t you gonna finish your pasta?” her dad asks.

“No, I’m not hungry anymore.”

Ava scrapes her leftover pasta in the trash and puts everything in the dishwasher.

“I’m going to my room,” she says.

Her dad makes a face. “Don’t you want to do something together? Watch a movie maybe? Catch up some more?”

“I’m pretty tired. We’ll do something fun tomorrow.”

Ava disappears into the hallway and retreats into her bedroom. She flops down on her bed and groans. Her dad couldn’t possibly know about her fight with Joan, so being mad at him for asking about her roommate may be a little unfair. He was only trying to be a good dad and care about her life. Yet, Ava blames him for feeling bad. She opens Spotify on her phone and hits play on her  _ “gay and not feeling okay” _ playlist. All she wants to do right now is wallow. Sober II (Melodrama) plays and before she even reaches the chorus, Ava is crying.

After a good two hours of staring at the ceiling and crying, trying not to think about the fight (and failing), Ava goes back downstairs to say good night to her dad. He’s asleep on the couch with some kind of nineties action movie playing on the tv. Ava turns it off and gently places a blanket over her dad, then goes back upstairs to get ready for bed herself.

* * *

The next morning, Ava’s dad wakes her up for breakfast together. When she enters the kitchen, she’s greeted by the smell of fresh coffee and homemade blueberry pancakes.

“I thought I’d make your favourite breakfast, since you’re already leaving again tonight,” her dad says.

Ava smiles gratefully as he hands her a cup of coffee.

“This is amazing Dad, thank you.”

Over breakfast they decide what to do today. Eventually they settle on board games and a trip to their favourite bookstore. It opens at 2 PM, so they have some time to kill before then.

“I’m gonna take a quick shower, can you set up Monopoly?” Ava asks.

“Cheaters, friends or the classic?”

“You pick.”

* * *

Morning flies by and soon Ava and her dad find themselves in front of a cosy little bookstore in the heart of San Francisco.

“Okay Aves, ready?”

Ava laughs. Her dad always acts like going to a bookstore is a whole adventure. Which, to be fair, it kind of is. Her and her dad have always loved reading and books and everything else that has to do with either of those things, so leaving a bookstore without spending all their savings is always a challenge.

“You get a budget of $30, as a  _ start-of-college _ present. Use it wisely.”

Ava nods and pushes open the door. Coming to Alley Cat Books always feels like coming home. They sell used and new books and the space is covered in art by local artists. Ava has been coming here ever since she was a little girl. Her dad and Kate, the owner, went to college together and are still friends. The trips to the bookstore were an opportunity for them to catch up while little Ava had the time of her life trying to pick a book.

“Hi Kate!”

“Ava! It’s been a while since I saw you,” Kate exclaims.

“It’s been hectic, I started college.”

“My little girl off to Berkeley, all on her own,” her dad grins.

“Abel! Man, I’ve missed you. Where have you been?”

“France. Languedoc to be more precise.”

While they catch up, Ava wanders off to the second-hand books section of the store. This is where most of her books come from. In her opinion, used books are more valuable than new books, because they’ve already been on some kind of adventure. Ava loves finding notes from previous owners in the margins of her books, they often give her new insights in the story. As she browses the books, Ava recognises a few titles of queer books that have been on her reading list for a while. She desperately wants to buy them, but she’s scared her dad will find out she’s gay that way.

With a stack of six second-hand books, Ava moves in the direction of the register. She finally found  _ Emma  _ by Jane Austen, a book she has been looking for for over a year. Aside from that one, she found three other books that seemed like great stories, one that she’s just buying because the cover is  _ that  _ pretty and then one YA novel:  _ The Stars and the Blackness Between Them. _ The cover shows two black girls, laying in a sea of stars. The summary on the back tells the story of two girls, who meet after one of them moves. They will eventually fall in love. Ava contemplated whether or not to buy it for a very long time, scared of what her dad will think when he sees it. She decided to take it because honestly, how obvious could it be when it’s hidden in a stack of other, completely normal books?

But when Ava is halfway, she takes the book from in between her stack and puts it back on the shelf. She really doesn’t want to put her relationship with her dad on the line. If she loses him, she has nobody left.

“That’ll be $25 Ava,” Kate says, after scanning the last book.

“Wow, didn’t even use up the entire budget. That’s unusual of you,” Ava’s dad says.

“I’m keeping the other $5 for next time,” she jokes. Her dad and Kate say goodbye. As her dad leaves the store, Ava says: “You know what Dad, you go already, I’ll catch up with you.”

Her dad doesn’t even question it and leaves. Ava runs back to the shelf where she left  _ The Stars and the Blackness Between Them  _ and grabs it, taking it to the register.

“Aha,” Kate says, nodding knowingly. “You didn’t want your dad to see this one huh?”

“No, uh… It’s just… Um…”

“It’s fine Ava. I won’t tell him, promise.”

Ava smiles gratefully. “Thank you.”

“He would be fine with it, you know. I’ve known the man for nearly thirty years and I promise you, he will never stop loving you. Ever.”

“I just don’t think I’m ready,” Ava says as she hands Kate the remaining $5.

“Consider it a gift,” Kate says, declining the money. Ava smiles and hides the book in her tote with the other five.

“Thank you so much Kate.”

* * *

After dinner, Ava says goodbye to her dad. They’re standing in the driveway, next to her car. It’s raining very lightly and Ava just  _ knows _ her hair will be all frizzy when she gets back to her dorm. She doesn’t care though, saying goodbye to her dad should not be rushed. The books she bought are in the backseat. Her dad made her promise to tell him what she thinks of them (he always does this, if Ava likes a book he reads it too so they can talk about it together).

“I’m gonna miss you Aves.”

“I’m gonna miss you too. When are you leaving again?”

“In a week. Going to Italy this time.”

“Eat some pasta for me.”

“I will. Make up with your roommate for me.”

Ava fidgets with her car keys at the mention of Joan. She did a great job not thinking about her at all today, but now she suddenly remembers she can’t avoid Joan forever. After all, they share a room.

“I don’t like seeing you like this Aves. This fight is eating you up inside, I can feel it. Don’t let this go on for too long, it’ll wreck you. You obviously like this Joan, otherwise you wouldn’t care this much.”

“She really hurt me Dad.”

“Whatever it is she said, I’m sure you can figure this out. She probably feels just as bad as you.”

“I’ll try.”

“That’s my girl. Now come on, give me a hug.”

Ava hugs him and gets in her car, driving back to Berkeley. She’s ready to solve this Joan situation. She just hopes Joan is ready too.


	5. anxiety, suffering and an all nighter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ava and Joan try to make up

Ava stands in front of a closed door. 12B. She has only been gone for two days but it feels like forever. She’s not sure what she should do. Should she knock? Just walk in? Maybe she should give Joan a call first, ask if she’s ready to talk. Maybe not, after all, Ava was the person who stormed out and spent the night in another room.

“Just stop overthinking it Ava,” she mutters to herself. Ava knocks on the door and waits for an answer. Nothing. She knocks again.

“Joan? It’s me.”

Still nothing. Ava takes her key and opens the door to find an empty room. Joan is not there. She considers calling her, but decides Joan has to come back eventually, so she just throws her backpack in a corner and sits down at her desk. She feels the need to do something to distract herself, to keep busy so she doesn’t go insane making up scenarios for how the conversation with Joan could go. French vocab seems like a great way to do just that, especially since Ava didn’t have time to catch up on studying thanks to the weekend with her dad.

After reading about five sentences and translating them, Ava gives up. Her brain just doesn’t feel like cooperating today, so instead she opens her laptop and presses play on the next episode of  _ Lucifer. _ She hasn’t even reached the end of the recap before she decides this is not it. Maybe some sketching? Ava has never been really good at drawing, but she does enjoy it. When she can’t decide on what to draw, Ava places her sketchbook back in the drawer of her desk.

Eventually, Ava just flops down on her bed face-first and groans. Can her brain like, at least give her a fucking chance to chill for  _ one moment, _ instead of showing her a collection of worst case scenarios? She turns her head sideways so she can see her phone screen. She opens Spotify and presses play on the last song that had been playing, ironically  _ Breaking Down _ by Florence + The Machine. Great, Universe.  _ Thanks a lot. _ But Ava doesn’t skip the song. She just puts her phone next to her, screen down and turns her head again, pressing her face in the mattress.

After a while, she shifts to a more comfortable position and drifts off. She’s trying her best to stay awake until Joan gets back, but she’s exhausted.

The click of a key in the lock is what wakes Ava up. She shoots up in an attempt to look like she’d been waiting instead of sleeping. It’s useless, considering her eyes are bloodshot, her hair is a mess and she has sleep marks all over her left arm.

“Ava?” Joan is visibly confused about Ava sitting cross-legged on her own bed. Ava, still half asleep, takes her phone to look at the time.

“2:18 AM? Where were you?”

Joan ignores the question and instead says: “I didn’t expect to see you again so soon.”

“We need to talk,” Ava says, cutting straight to the point.

Joan hangs her tote over her chair and nods. “We do. Give me like, five minutes to change into something more comfortable and less wet.”

It’s only then Ava notices Joan is soaking wet. It must’ve started raining after she’d fallen asleep. She watches as Joan hangs her dripping anorak on a coat hanger, which she then hangs over her open closet door to dry. Ava pretends to do something on her phone as Joan strips down to her underwear. She throws the wet clothes on a pile and puts on red plaid pajama bottoms and an oversized black shirt with some corporate logo on the back. Joan collects her pile of wet clothes and hangs them open over her chair and the closet door.

“Okay, I’m ready,” she says as she sits down on her bed. “I’m so sorry for what I said. I immediately regretted it. It was rude and insensitive.”

“It was homophobic,” Ava snaps.

“You’re right, it was. If I could take it back I would, but I can’t, so please, let me make it up to you. I really like you and I would hate it if I ruined our friendship.”

“I know. I don’t want that either.” Ava breathes deep and exhales slowly. “Did you mean it? The things you said?”

“No,” Joan immediately reacts. “No, I didn’t.” She is quiet for a short moment and then continues. “I mean, yeah, parts of it were true. I do want to be able to just discuss the things I like without it becoming an activist thing and I do need time to adjust to being in college, but I didn’t mean any of the gay comments.”

“Then why did you say it? There must be something that made it jump out, no?”

“I was raised in a homophobic family. They are very traditional, the kind of catholics who say things like ‘the Bible said Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve’ during arguments and think they made a great point. I was conditioned to think homosexuality is inherently bad and I still struggle to get rid of those thoughts, but I’m trying, I promise.”

Ava sighs. She doesn’t know what to do. On one hand, she really likes Joan and she apologised for everything. On the other hand she can’t be sure Joan really means any of it.

“So… Alix and Ellen. Where do you stand on being friends with them?”

“I figured you’d told them about our fight when you spent the night in their room so I also apologised to them over the weekend. I love them both and I would love to keep spending time with them. I also explained my take on the activism and just wanting to chill sometimes and they understood. We’re good.”

Ava smiles. If Joan apologised to people she wasn’t even sure she hurt, she must mean it. And if Alix and Ellen forgave her, why shouldn’t she?

“I’m glad,” she says.

“So, are we good?” Joan asks, still a little insecure about her apology.

“Yes, we are,” Ava smiles. She takes the two steps it takes to get from her bed to Joan’s and hugs her, happy to have her friend back.

“Yikes, you’re still wet,” she giggles. “Where were you?”

“I was walking around.”

“In the pouring rain?”

“It’s the best time to go for a walk! I love the rain, it’s so peaceful. And the feeling when you get out of wet clothes and into something comfy, unmatched!”

“You’re literally the weirdest person I have ever met,” Ava laughs.

“I’m serious!” Joan exclaims. “Next time it rains I’m taking you with me.”

Ava laughs again. She has almost forgotten their fight. Being friends with Joan feels natural, as if they were meant to be childhood friends but they met too late. They stay up together. Ava tells Joan all about the weekend with her dad and shows her the books she bought, including  _ The Stars and the Blackness Between Them. _ Joan doesn’t think twice about it. It’s just a book after all, no need to get suspicious. Still, as Joan reads the blurb, Ava’s heart is racing. But then Joan puts the book down and takes the next one.

By 5 AM, both girls start getting tired.

“Mmmh, too tired to get in my own bed,” Ava moans. Joan laughs and tries to push Ava out of her bed, but she doesn’t have enough power left in her body for that kind of effort right now. Ava is lying curled up on the bed, upside down with her head on the foot end of the bed, making absolutely no effort to get up and take two steps to her own bed.

“Fine, stay then,” Joan says. “What time is your first class tomorrow?”

“No class. The lecturer is sick,” Ava mumbles. Joan is pretty sure Ava is lying, but honestly? She doesn’t care. It’s not her problem.

“Okay, good night then,” she says. She pulls the plug from the fairy lights hanging on the wall out of the socket and closes her eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i suffered for this chapter, please leave some comments and kudos to show me it wasn't all for nothing


	6. the great taylor swift war

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ava has made a new friend in French class: Nic. She introduces her to the rest of her friends.

“No! You are _so_ wrong!” Alix yells.

Joan scoffs. “You have _no idea_ what you’re talking about.”

With a full plate, Ava hurries to the table where her friends are sitting.

“Ava! You agree with me, right?” Joan asks.

“Agree about what?”

“Just say yes.”

Ava looks from Alix to Joan and back. There’s a lot of really intense staring going on and it’s making her uncomfortable.

“... Yes?”

“Ha!” Joan yells, pointing a finger at Alix.

“What’s this about?” Ava asks Ellen.

“Alix claims _Red_ is Taylor Swift’s best album,” Joan says before Ellen gets a chance to respond. _“1989_ is obviously superior.”

Ava frowns, biting back a smile. _“That’s_ what you’ve been fighting over? Hate to break it to you Joanie, but _Fearless_ has the most bops.”

“Don’t try to fight them,” Ellen says. “They’ve been at this since Intro to Psychology today. During our break prof. Wright put on some music to keep us entertained. Apparently _Shake It Off_ can awaken a lot in both of them.”

Ava chuckles. Seeing Joan and Alix getting along this well for the first time makes her happy. She tunes out the ongoing discussion about Taylor Swift and turns to Nic. She met her last week in French class and immediately took her under her wing. 

Nic doesn’t live on campus, but commutes daily from San Francisco. Because of this, she hasn’t made a ton of friends yet. It’s hard to randomly start talking to someone during a lecture (because let’s face it, getting to know someone isn’t fun when a lecturer is keeping an eye on you for talking too much) and the clubs aren’t as much fun without a friend by your side. It’s the first time she’s having lunch with Ava and her friends.

“Is it always this hectic at your table?” Nic asks.

“Our table is not usually a verbal battlefield, if that’s what you mean. This is pretty extreme, I’ve never seen either of them this passionate about anything.”

“Alix gets intense sometimes, but I don’t know why Taylor Swift made them go absolutely feral,” Ellen chuckles. “I’m Ellen, by the way. Alix’s girlfriend.”

“Hi, I’m Nic, nice to meet you.”

“That’s Joan and that’s Alix,” Ava says, pointing at them. “You’ll get to know them too, they’re great.”

Nic chuckles. “I’m sure they are.”

For a while, they all just sit there, eating their food in silence and listening to Joan and Alix bicker. At this point, they’re just throwing song titles at each other.

_“New Romantics!”_

“That’s a _1989_ song! Are you finally admitting I’m right?” Joan smirks.

“Babes, we get it. Both albums are good, Taylor Swift is a queen. Now can you both _please_ eat? We have to get to class in less than 10 minutes and you’ve both barely touched your food,” Ellen says.

“Which class do you have next, Nic?” Ava asks.

“Sociology. What about you guys?”

“We’re all taking Queer History together. Guess we won’t see you then.”

“No, probably not. You have my number though, so text me if you want to have lunch together again? And I’ll probably see you in French class.”

“Oh, I never asked: have you declared a major yet?”

“Arts and Culture. I would love to work in theater.”

“Oh, that’s so great!”

Nic smiles weakly. “Yeah… It was actually my plan B.”

“What was plan A?” Ellen frowns.

“I auditioned for the Art of Acting school in LA, but I didn’t get in. I wanted to try out at more colleges but my parents were never really on board with it, so they only gave me one chance to prove myself.”

“Damn, that sucks. They’re your parents, they should’ve supported you,” Ava says.

“It’s fine. I’ll just graduate and audition again later.” Nic takes a breath and smiles halfheartedly. “Well, I have to get to class. I’ll see you guys around.”

Everyone nods and mumbles a goodbye. Nic grabs her bag and turns around, but right before she leaves, Joan stops her.

“Nic, wait! Are you free tomorrow night?”

Nic nods.

“You should come with us. We’re grabbing dinner at McDonalds and then going to this gay movie night. It’s a weekly thing and it’s always fun.”

Ava, still sitting at the table and eating the last bits of her lunch, looks up in surprise. Joan still hasn’t come to movie night since the very first one, over a month ago.

“Oh, that sounds great actually. Do you know what movie they’re showing this week?” Nic asks.

“Last I heard they were trying to choose between _Milk_ and _Elisa y Marcela._ I think they were in the mood for something historical,” Alix chimes in. “But really, the movie doesn’t matter. It’s all about the vibes. It’s just a bunch of people from our dorm coming together to get a sense of community. You could make a ton of friends, we’ll introduce you.”

“Okay. You’ve convinced me, I’m coming!”

“Great, we’ll see you at McDonalds at 6:30!” Joan smiles.

They say goodbye for real this time and Nic leaves.

“We should probably head to class too, Carson hates latecomers,” Ava says as she picks up her tray. She throws away her trash and puts the empty tray on the stack, the hurries to catch up with Joan, who’s walking a few feet behind Alix and Ellen.

“So… Movie night?”

“Yeah, Alix convinced me. Honestly, I don’t know why I stopped going. I had fun that first time.”

Joan smiles, remembering the night. She’d known Ava for four days and the girl already cared about her enough to make her popcorn and save her a seat. Granted, she stole half of the popcorn back, but does it really matter?

“What are you being all smiley about?” Ava asks, pulling Joan from her daydream.

“Dogs in wigs.”

“Huh?”

“It’s a thing! Here, let me show you.”

Joan pulls her phone from her back pocket and googles _dogs in wigs._ As they walk, Joan and Ava look at the pictures, laughing at every single one.

“Aww, they dressed this poor boy as Trump,” Joan chuckles. “That’s animal cruelty.”

Ava laughs. Truth be told, she doesn’t really care about any of the dogs in wigs (though she has to admit there are some really cute ones), but seeing Joan this happy makes her stomach flutter. She feels like Joan is finally starting to open up. Who knows what else goes on in that mind of hers? _Dogs in wigs?_ That has to be the most random thing anyone can ever be thinking about.

* * *

Movie night turns out to be a success. On the very first movie night, it was just Joan and Ava, Alix and Ellen, Kath, Jay and Finn. Now, five weeks into the academic year, word has gotten out about the movie night and people from other dorms started showing up too, asking if they were welcome.

Nic loves spending time with her newly found friends. After the movie, the five of them are sitting in Joan and Ava’s room.

“So, are you all queer?” she asks.

Everyone but Joan and Ava nods. Ava desperately wants to say yes, but her fight with Joan is too recent. She knows she’s being ridiculous, but she’s just really fucking terrified of what could happen. She decides she’ll tell Nic later, one-on-one.

“Well, I’m glad I found my people!” Nic grins. “I’m bisexual.”

“And are you in a relationship?” Joan pries.

“Why, are you interested?” Nic jokes. Joan can feel her face turning red, but no one seems to notice. “No, I’m kidding. I have a boyfriend,” Nic continues.

Suddenly everyone is very interested. They want to know his name, how they met, how long they’ve been together and of course, they need a picture. Nic scrolls through her camera roll, trying to find a decent one.

“Here, this is Connor and me on our one year anniversary a few months ago.”

Nic turns her phone around. Ellen immediately grabs it and peers at the screen. Everyone else gathers around her to be able to see the screen too. 

It’s a typical couples selfie. Nic and Connor are in the front, the Bay in the background. Nic’s head rests on Connor’s shoulder, her short, black curls blown in her face by the strong wind. Her freckles are in huge contrast with her pale skin. She throws up a peace sign and smiles wide, her blue eyes looking straight in the camera lens. 

Next to her is Connor. He’s taller than Nic and has his arm around her. Connor has glasses and short, dark blond hair and looks very self conscious about taking the pic. His smile is forced and he’s not looking at the camera, but up at the sky.

“You guys are very cute together,” Ava says. Nic doesn’t reply, but smiles at her.

“It has been a while since I saw him. He’s attending college in Pasadena, so right now we just have to FaceTime.”

Ellen gives her a comforting hand squeeze. “You must miss him.”

“I do,” Nic sighs. “Good thing it’s only two more weeks until our break. He’s coming home and I’m gonna trick him into letting me stay over the whole week.”

  
Everyone laughs and that small thing makes Nic feel like she really belongs here. _This_ is the college experience she had always imagined. Just chilling in a dorm with a couple of friends with whom she’d keep in touch for the rest of her life. Sure, she has only known them for less than a week, but she can feel it in her bones: these will be her lifelong friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you're curious as to what alix, ellen and nic look like, i've made picrews and added them to this tweet: https://twitter.com/zoeyssprqpoint/status/1309217336734420992?s=20


	7. joan is being so fucking gay and she doesn't even know it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are classes and Joan goes on a run idk

“God, it’s way too early for this,” Joan groans as she and Ava walk to their 8 AM Foundations of Programming class. It’s their last week before their very first college exam week and both of them are pretty tense.

“I know right? I think I just remembered why we never go to this class,” Ava sighs. “Hey, can I have a sip of your coffee?” she asks, pointing to Joan’s reusable Starbucks cup.

“Oh, this is not coffee. It’s Earl Grey.”

“Tea? How is that gonna help you wake up? If there ever was a morning that called for coffee, it would be this one.”

Joan shrugs. “I don’t drink coffee. Like ever. I thought you knew.”

“I didn’t.”

The lecture hall where Foundations of Programming is taught is all the way across campus, which is one of the reasons why Joan and Ava have only attended the 8 AM Monday morning class once. The classes are recorded anyway, so usually they just watch it together and attend the 4 PM class on Wednesday. 

Today however, is the last class of the four week course. Foster is letting his students use these two hours as an opportunity to ask all questions they still have about the material. This class won’t be recorded and his rules are simple: don’t show up and you don’t get to ask him questions anymore, not even via email.

“This sucks,” Joan says as she leans against the lecture hall door to open it. “I’m 100% taking a nap right after this.”

“You and me both,” Ava says.

The lecture hall is not as packed as Joan had expected. Only half of the seats are taken. Then again, they’re five minutes early and a lot can happen in five minutes. They pick a seat and Ava gets her laptop out.

“I’ll take notes, you ask the questions,” she says.

“Fine by me.”

Joan slumps down in her seat, not bothering to pull her table open. Instead, she rests her feet on the little ledge that holds the table and scrolls through Twitter, waiting for the class to start. By 8 AM, most of the seats are filled. Foster starts off by answering the questions students have already emailed him before today. Joan just sits and listens while Ava is frantically taking notes, her phone next to her laptop to record the class.

After a little over an hour, Foster announces a short break. Joan stretches and yawns.

“I’m so glad this is gonna be over soon,” she says. “I truly hate this class.”

“Just one more hour and an exam and then it’s over. We got this.” Ava gets up and takes her wallet from her bag. “I’m gonna get coffee. Do you want anything?”

“A pretzel maybe? I didn’t have breakfast and I’m starting to get hungry.”

“Please, a pretzel has no nutritional value. Why didn’t you eat breakfast?”

“Because it was  _ seven in the morning.” _

Ava looks vaguely concerned about her friend, but doesn’t say anything. She returns from the coffee stand with a latte for herself and a pretzel for Joan, because obviously she can’t just let her starve. Joan smiles gratefully and takes a big bite of the pretzel.

“I love you, Ava.”

“I love you too,” Ava smiles. “Please have some breakfast next time.”

“I can’t make any promises.”

  
  


Back in their room, Joan and Ava each sit down at their desks to study. Despite taking notes in the same document for all the classes they take together, they still have very different notes they use to actually study. Each of them rewrites the chaotic notes taken in class and structures them in a way that’s easy to study for them. 

Joan’s notes are mostly schemes and mindmaps, making it easy to find and understand connections between things, while Ava’s are short sentences and numbered lists. Sometimes there are pictures of powerpoint slides to accompany them.

“Ava, can you explain something to me?”

“Pas maintenant,” Ava responds.

“Excuse me?”

“It means not now. I’m sorry Joanie, I’m studying French right now and I really need to stay focussed. Put a sticky note with the question on it on the page so you don’t forget and I’ll help you later.”

Joan rolls toward Ava in her chair. “Want me to teach you how to French?” she asks, only half joking (not that she’d admit that).

“Oh, did you take French in high school or something?” Ava asks, completely oblivious. Let’s blame it on the fact she’s still very much in study mode.

“No, I meant—” Joan pauses. “Like, maki—” Another pause. By now, Joan has turned bright red. “You know what, nevermind. Just study on, I’ll figure it out.”

She rolls back to her own desk and tries to focus on Intro to Philosophy again, but it quickly becomes clear that that’s not an option anymore. Her mind keeps wandering off to what she said to Ava.  _ Why did she do that? _ Good thing Ava was too focused on her actual French. Who knows what might have happened if she thought about it for too long?

“I’m going for a run.” Joan just needs to clear her head and what better way to do that than literally run from her problems? The farther away she is from Ava, the less chances she has to say another embarrassing thing to her.

“Okay,” Ava mumbles. Joan doubts she actually registered what she said, but it doesn’t matter. She puts on her running clothes and takes off. Her running playlist blasts through her headphones, motivating her to go faster. Dopamine by With Confidence plays and Joan can’t stop thinking about Ava.

_ Here I am, once again _

_ Running low on oxygen _

_ Cause you're the air I'm breathing _

_ You were all that I believe in _

_ In my room, covered in dust _

_ While all my trophies rust _

_ I am cold and I am wanting _

_ Something warm to keep blood pumping _

It almost makes her want to turn the song off. She’s trying to get Ava out of her head, not think about her even more. But then again, it’s a great song

_ I hear your voice inside my brain _

_ I keep you here to stop my pain _

_ You are golden and _

_ You are flowing through me _

_ You are ecstacy _

_ You are, you are _

_ You are my dopamine _

Joan decides to skip it anyway. Sure, Ava is her dopamine, but she shouldn’t be. Ava is straight, she said so herself on the very first day. And again, when Nic asked about it last week. It’s not like she hasn’t considered coming out to Ava. It would be safe and Ava would be cool. She wouldn’t be like her parents. Seriously, Ava called her out on her homophobia and couldn’t even look her in the eye after what she said about Alix. So why hasn’t she come out yet?

“Hey, look where you’re going!” a tall dude yells at her after she almost runs into him.

“Sorry!” she yells over her shoulder, barely looking back. It’s time she gets her feelings for Ava under control. It’s like she’s on her mind 24/7 and it’s becoming a problem. Exams are soon and she can’t even study because her mind keeps wandering. Two weeks ago she was still half in denial about her sexuality and still unsure about her feelings for Ava and now it’s like this? That should be illegal.

Joan forces herself to think about absolutely nothing for the rest of her run. Or she tries. Tried. Hard. It works for about 30 seconds and then she’s already replaying the pretzel conversation from this morning in her head. It’s the stupidest thing, but for some reason she can’t stop thinking about it. It’s the way Ava just  _ cares. _ She worries when Joan doesn’t have breakfast and when she eats too many unhealthy things. Joan knows Ava would want the best for her, always. 

She wants that always. It’s the first time she allows herself to actually admit that to herself. Sure, maybe she has pictured herself and Ava going on dates, making out in their dorm, spending time together even when they’re not really doing anything. But for some reason, today she can actually see herself with Ava in the future, living together in a cosy apartment, maybe they even have a dog. It could be so perfect.


	8. it took me 19 days to write these 2387 words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Midterms are over and break is here! Ava and Joan are gonna spend the week together at Ava's house, but they have to get there first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i SUFFERED while writing this, it took me nearly three weeks and i was actually planning on making this even longer but i decided to split it up

Midterms have been hard, but after a good week of suffering and very little sleep, they’re over. It’s finally time for fall break.

“So what are your plans for the break?” Joan asks Ava as she packs some stuff.

“I’m going home, seeing some friends maybe. I don’t know yet. My dad is still in Italy so it’ll just be me at home, all alone.”

Joan makes a face. “That sounds kinda sad.”

“It’s fine, really. You get used to these kinds of things and honestly? I like being alone sometimes.”

“Yeah, sometimes. But a whole week? I couldn’t do it.”

Ava shrugs and throws her favourite sweater in her suitcase. It’s an oversized blue-pink tie dye sweater. She has worn it all week while she was studying and now it has a weird smell. Like, it doesn’t smell bad  _ per se, _ but it definitely needs to be washed before she can wear it again.

“What are your plans?”

“I’m staying on campus.”

Ava laughs. “All alone? You know all of us are going home, right?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“You just said you couldn’t be alone an entire week. Why aren’t you going home to your family?”

Joan freezes. For some reason, she hadn’t anticipated this question. She should’ve known Ava wasn’t just gonna shrug and say _ “okay”.  _ She _ cares. _

“Oh, you know. Uhm…” She pauses and tries to come up with an excuse. Obviously, she can’t tell Ava she fled her homophobic parents _ right now. _ Ava is just leaving, she’s supposed to have a fun week. If Joan comes out and tells her now, Ava is 100% cancelling everything she had planned to stay here with her. “Money,” is what eventually comes out of her mouth. “Yeah, a plane ticket to and back would just cost us too much, so I’m staying here this week.”

“That’s absurd,” Ava says. “I’m not leaving you here all alone. You’re coming with me.”

Well, that was certainly unexpected.

“Huh?” Joan manages to say.

“Yeah, it’ll be fun. We’ll just hang out at my house and I’ll show you the fun spots in San Francisco! Come on, start packing!”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to spoil your plans.”

“Oh please,” Ava scoffs, “I didn’t have any actual plans yet. I said I might see some friends.” She pauses and looks at Joan, who still doesn’t look convinced. “Hey, my plans are still the same. If you come, I’m seeing a friend: you!”

Joan smiles. “Okay fine. I’m coming.”

“Great!”

Ava grabs Joan’s duffel bag and throws it in her general direction. The bag hits Joan right in the face.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry!”

Joan grimaces. The zipper hit her in the eye and it hurts like hell.

“Are you okay?”

Joan is tearing up now, not because of the pain but more as a natural reflex. She wipes away a tear and nods. “I’m okay.”

“Let me see,” Ava demands. She sits Joan down on her bed and looks at her eye. It’s red and still teary, but it doesn’t seem too serious. “You’re gonna be okay. I’m sorry again.”

Joan closes her eye and wipes another tear away. “It’s not your fault.”

“I still feel guilty tho. Want me to kiss it to make the pain go away?”

“Sure, it won’t do any more harm,” Joan jokes. What she doesn’t expect is Ava actually bowing down and softly kissing her injured eye. Joan turns bright red. She tries to hide it by getting up quickly and starting to pack.

When both of them are ready, they pass by 10B to say goodbye to Ellen and Alix. They’re spending the week apart, each with their own families.

“I’m gonna miss you guys,” Ava sighs.

“It’s only a week, you’ll survive,” Ellen jokes.

“Yeah, Ellen’s right,” Joan says. “Besides, you have me to keep you company.”

“Oh, I forgot to tell you guys. I’m gonna start going by El more. This Ellen Degeneres shit is making me mad and now I don’t like my name anymore.”

“That checks out,” Ava says.

“You guys are spending the week together?”

“Yeah. Joan can’t go home and I don’t want to leave her alone.”

“Oh, sounds fun!” Alix says. “Not the part about not being able to go home, but the part about spending the week together.”

“Yeah. What are you guys gonna do?”

“I’m probably just gonna be helping my abuelita a lot. She hasn’t been well so the whole family is doing everything they can,” Alix says.

“Oh shit. I hope she gets better soon,” Joan says.

Alix shrugs. “She’ll be fine, probably. It’s just general old people stuff. If it’s up to her, she’ll live another 30 years.”

“That woman is gonna stare in the face of God and tell Him no,” Ellen laughs, but then her expression changes and she hugs Alix. Despite joking about it, she knows they’re actually really scared. Their abuelita was super chill when they came out. Sure, she didn’t understand what non-binary meant, but she took her time to listen to Alix and educate herself. She never loved her grandchild any less.

“I should probably get going,” Alix says. “My brother is picking Ellen and me up in five minutes.”

“I thought you were spending the break apart?” Ava asks.

“We are, but Ellen lives in Happy Valley. We pass it on our way to Montgomery Creek anyway so we might as well drop her off.”

Ava nods in understanding. The girls and Alix say goodbye to each other and then they leave. Ava and Joan go back to their own room to get their bags and soon enough, they’re in Ava’s car on their way to San Francisco. Ava hands Joan the aux.

“Put on some music.”

“What kind?”

“Surprise me,” Ava winks.

“Oh please, you know how much pressure that is,” Joan complains. “What if you don’t like it and suddenly the way you see me as a person changes entirely.”

“You know I’ll love you unconditionally babe.” Ava pauses. “But yes, I will judge you,” she chuckles.

Joan scrolls through her Spotify library. Suddenly all her music seems terrible or cringy, everything is just completely wrong. Her  _ black coffee morning _ playlist is too slow, too many chill songs. The  _ ethereal songs _ playlist is only for specific people and a specific vibe. The  _ pretending to be on broadway but really you’re just gay, sad and dramatic _ is… well, that’s just not it.

“Okay, it’s gonna be this one,” Joan says. “Hold your judgement until you’ve heard at least 5 songs please.”

“I can’t promise anything, Joanie.”

Joan is about to have a meltdown. She knows this is just who Ava is, she always comes off as if she’s flirting, but it still makes her heart race. Everytime she calls her Joanie or tells her she loves her, even if it’s just platonic, she wants to scream. Instead of screaming, she just shuffles her  _ getting stuff done? what a concept. _ playlist and immediately looks at Ava, looking for her approval.

“What song is this?” Ava asks.

“Tomorrow tonight by Loote.”

Ava just nods, not indicating whether or not she likes it. Joan keeps looking at her, waiting for even the slightest facial expression. Ava looks straight ahead, eyes focused on the road. Her curls reach a little past her ear, looking like they’re glowing with the rays of sun shining through her short afro. Her fingers are drumming along to the song, despite not knowing it until today. The sun makes Ava’s eyes look like liquid gold, trapped in the most beautiful face Joan has ever seen. She is hit by a sudden wave of love. All Joan wants to do is make Ava pull over at the side of the road and kiss her, right here, right now. Ava turns her head and smiles uncomfortably. She squeezes her eyes at the bright sun coming from behind Joan.

“What are you looking at?” she asks, turning her attention back to the road ahead.

“I’m trying to figure out if you like the playlist.”

Ava glances at Joan again. “You said you didn’t want me to say anything until I’d heard at least five songs,” she teases.

“I know what I said. Please just tell me if you like the song or not,” Joan groans. “I can’t deal with this.”

Ava grins, building up the tension.

“I love it.”

“Oh thank God!” Joan exclaims.

Ava snickers and shakes her head lightly. “Why are you so worried about this?”

“Honestly, I don't know. I just really want you to like me I guess. I know I said some very stupid shit in the beginning and I don’t want to fuck up again.”

“I don’t think your playlist choices can be compared with what you said back then. But really, you have to stop bringing that up.” Ava pauses, leaving room for Joan to react. When she doesn’t, Ava continues. “It sucked and you shouldn’t have said it, but things have changed since then. I trust you, and I love you.”

Joan looks at her hands in her lap. She picks at a scab she got while cutting carrots last week. The wound has almost healed, but when Joan pulls the scab off, it starts bleeding again. A different song plays, something about wondering if the present might be different if one thing had been different in the past.  _ Really, Spotify? _

“Oh my God, you have Taylor in this playlist? Yeah, your music choices are valid, no matter what comes next,” Ava chuckles, oblivious to Joan’s inner fight.

“I love her,” Joan absentmindedly replies. Ava has been saying she loves her a lot lately and Joan can’t stop thinking about it. She’s 99% sure it’s all platonic, but that 1% is the hope Ava might be gay anyway. Ava keeps talking to Joan and complimenting her playlist (by now Joan is almost sure Ava is just doing it to make her feel better) while Joan is deep in thought, only nodding or humming when it feels like Ava needs an answer.

15 minutes later, Ava pulls into a driveway.

“So this is where I live,” she says. She’s giving Joan the same look Joan gave her while waiting for approval on the playlist.

“It looks really nice,” Joan says. Ava smiles and gets out of the car. She opens the trunk and takes out their bags. Joan takes her duffel from Ava, allowing her to look for her key and open the front door. The hallway is a big, square open space with a narrow part on the left. There are five doors: one right in front of Joan, next to the stairs, one on her left, the front door and two in the narrow part of the hallway.

“Where do all the doors lead?”

“That one is a restroom,” Ava says, pointing at the one to Joan’s left. “This one leads to the living room.” She gestures at the door next to the stairs. “And those lead to the kitchen and the basement.”

“Oh, okay. And where is your room?”

“On the second floor,” Ava smiles. “Come on, I’ll show you. Take your stuff, we’ll get you settled at once.”

They go up the stairs. The hallway upstairs is even bigger than the entrance. It’s practically a ballroom.

“Woah, it doesn’t look this big on the outside,” Joan exclaims.

“Yeah, we get that a lot. This is my room,” Ava walks into a room on the right side of the stairs. It’s bigger than Joan would have expected, about twice the size of the dorm room they share. She walks in and looks around. Against the back wall is a queen size bed with a nightstand on the right side. In front of the window is a bench seat with a few pillows and a blanket. It’s the perfect reading nook. Joan has seen Ava read a lot, and in many places, but for some reason she can’t picture her reading here. Against the right wall are bookshelves, full of books with broken spines, all sorted in rainbow order. In between the books here and there are Funko’s and plants. There is no closet to be found.

“I like the books. It looks pretty like that.”

“Thank you.”

For a while they just stand there awkwardly, until Ava says: “So do you want a tour first or do you want to want to get settled first?”

“A tour would be great.”

Ava nods and walks Joan through the house. The bathroom, her dad’s room, the guest room, the kitchen, the living room and a spare room that has a pull-out couch, tv, desk and more bookshelves. She shows Joan the macaroni art she made as a kid that her dad still keeps in his room and explains that she doesn’t have a closet in her room, but in the hallway. That way she had room for her bookshelves.

“Your house is amazing!” Joan says. “And it’s really big? If you would’ve asked me what I thought your house looked like before coming here, this would not have been my answer.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know. I think I assumed it would be smaller because it’s just the two of you.”

“I guess that makes sense. Okay, time for the question of the day: do you want to sleep in the guest room or in my room with me?”

“Oh, in your room of course! What fun is a sleep over if you’re not in the same room?”

“I was hoping you’d say that! Okay, next question. Do you sleep in my bed with me or do you prefer a mattress on the floor?”

Joan thinks about it. Would it be weird to say she wants to sleep in the same bed as Ava? On the other hand, Ava wouldn’t propose it if she wasn’t comfortable with it, right? But maybe it’d be awkward. God, Joan is thinking about this for too long and it’s making it even more awkward. Ava just looks at her, patiently waiting.

“Are you sure you’re comfortable with me in your bed?”

“Girl, _please._ We’ve slept together in a single bed, I think we can manage queen size.”

“Okay, yeah. If you’re sure.”

Ava’s face lights up. “I’m sure!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please reward my suffering with kudos and comments, my mental health could use some kind words


	9. i wrote halloween. i have never celebrated halloween.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joan spends the week at Ava's house. They go to the bookstore and celebrate Halloween together.

After two days, Joan already feels more at home living in Ava’s house than she ever felt at her actual home. Ava emptied some space in her closet so Joan wouldn’t have to live out of a duffel all week. It makes Joan feel like she’s welcome, like Ava wants her there.

When Joan wakes up on day three and turns around, she finds an empty space on Ava’s side of the bed. Still sleepy and a bit confused, she sits up and rubs her eyes. Sitting on the bench seat by the window with her legs tucked in, is Ava. She’s still in her pajamas. Her curls are up in a bun on top of her head. She’s facing Joan, but she’s too caught up in her book to notice that Joan has woken up and is looking at her.

“Good morning,” Joan says.

Ava looks up from her book and smiles at Joan. “You’re up!”

“Barely.”

“Let me just finish this page and then I’ll get you tea and some breakfast.”

“I love you.”

Ava puts her bookmark in place and gently places her book on the windowsill, as if she’s scared to hurt it. Joan has witnessed it multiple times, but it never ceases to amaze her. How can someone care so much about an inanimate object? Sure, Joan takes care of her stuff, but we’re talking about stuff that can actually break, not paper. As long as you’re not actively ripping it, what’s the worst that could happen?

Joan follows Ava down the stairs, into the kitchen.

“So what are you in the mood for?” Ava asks as she fills up the kettle. “I could make you pancakes or scrambled eggs with some toast maybe?”

Joan jawns “Eggs sound great. Is there anything I can do?”

Ava takes a skillet from the cupboard and gets the eggs out of the fridge. “I don’t know. Set the table maybe?” Ava continues walking around the kitchen, collecting everything she needs for scrambled eggs and toast. There’s no logic in the way she does it. First, she takes the bread, then puts the skillet on the stove to let it warm up, then she walks back to the cupboard where she got the bread from to take the toaster out, then she breaks all the eggs and before whisking them, then she puts the bread in the toaster.

Joan sits at the kitchen table and watches her. Contrary to Ava, she has actual structure in the way she does things. She grabbed plates, knives and forks all at once and that was that, no running back and forth five times. Joan admires Ava and every single one of her movements. Even in the morning with her bedhead and pajamas, she manages to look like the prettiest person Joan has ever seen. When Ava turns around with the skillet in one hand and a hot pad in the other, Joan quickly looks away. She doesn’t want Ava to think she was staring.

“Tadaaa! Scrambled eggs for the lady. The toast will be ready soon.”

Joan smiles gratefully and shovels half of the scrambled eggs onto her plate. When the toast pops out, she gets up and puts it on a plate, which she then hands to Ava.

* * *

After breakfast, Ava takes Joan into the city. Their first stop is, of course, Alley Cat Books. Ava has been hyping it up for three days straight now and Joan is curious to see if it’s really as amazing as Ava makes it out to be. As soon as they walk in, Joan sees Ava did not exaggerate. The store has a home-y feel to it, with the couches in one of the corners to mimic a salon and the modern art on the walls.

“Ava! You’re back!”

Joan turns her head toward the voice. It’s coming from behind the counter, where a middle-aged woman is smiling brightly.

“Hi! Yeah, we’re on fall break, so I’m home for the week.”

“And you thought you’d pay me a visit? How very sweet of you,” the woman grins. She finally seems to notice Joan and asks: “Who’s your friend?”

“This is Joan, my roommate.”

“Nice to meet you, Joan. I’m Kate.”

“I’ve heard great things about the store, Ava won’t shut up about it.”

“That’s great to hear. Why don’t you look around and see for yourself what you think?”

Joan nods and is immediately pulled toward the second-hand books by Ava. She explains it’s her favourite part of the store and starts a monologue about how second-hand books are stories within stories. Joan listens to her while looking at the art on the walls. She doesn’t feel much for the books, but the art really catches her attention. She’s especially fascinated by one work in particular. It’s a black canvas with an explosion of colours in the middle. In the middle of that, is a curled up silhouette of a person. They seem unhappy. The tag reads _“Untitled work, sept. 2020”._

“Kate?” Joan asks. Kate pops up from around the corner with a few books in her arms. “Do you know what this is?”

Kate looks at the artwork and frowns. “I wouldn’t know.” She looks at the tag. “Sometimes artists ask if they can hang their work here anonymously, I don’t even know who painted this one. Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Joan says. “I was just curious.”

Ava joins them. She’s holding three books, despite saying she wouldn’t buy any today. “What are we looking at?”

“This painting. I wanted to know what it means, but Kate doesn’t know.”

“Well, it looks like this person is deeply unhappy with their life, despite having a lot of great things in it,” Ava says. Joan is baffled.

“How did you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Analyse art in like, ten seconds.”

“I didn’t analyse it. I just put how it makes me feel into words.”

Ava steps closer and points at the black canvas. “This used to be their world, dark and lonely.” Then she points at the bright spatters in the black. “This is when they first started finding little things that made them happy.” She moves on to the explosion of colours. “This is their world now, full of joy and great things.” Then she points at the curled up silhouette in the middle. “This is them. They’re a little, dark blue ball of sadness. Them being curled up might mean they don’t wanna be a burden, they’re making themselves as small as possible, providing comfort and avoiding confrontation at the same time.”

Joan is silent. She looks at the painting again, because suddenly it has so much more meaning. It doesn’t feel like Ava explained it at all. It feels like Ava exposed herself, gave Joan a peak at what’s going on in her head.

“That was beautiful, Ava,” Kate says. She squeezes her shoulder, gives her a half smile and walks away.

“Yeah. I— Woah,” Joan says, still processing everything Ava said.

Ava just shrugs, as if she hasn’t just given Joan a whole new world view. “I’m gonna pay for these. Are you sure you don’t want any?”

“Nah, I’m not a big reader.”

“Nonsense! You haven’t found the book for you yet.”

Joan frowns. “Sure. That’s it.”

“I’m serious! Okay, let me help you. Isn’t there _anything_ you’ve read before that you liked?”

Joan thinks about it. She read the most popular series to keep up with her peers in high school. Twilight, Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, Divergent,... She didn’t really care for any of those. Reading them felt like a chore, so she assumed everything would feel like that, so she didn’t even try to read anything else. The conclusion? Reading sucks.

“Not really, no.” She tells Ava about the series and how she didn’t like them.

“Okay, so what I’m getting from this is: you need a contemporary standalone, preferably YA because they’re usually an easier read than ‘adult’ novels.”

“Yeah, I think I’ve grown out of YA, thank you very much.”

“You’re biased. YA isn’t just some subpar genre. It’s not even a genre, really. Leave this one to me, trust me.”

Joan realises arguing with Ava is no use, she’ll eventually get her way anyway. And so Joan finds herself sauntering behind Ava as she browses through the books, trying to find the perfect one for her. Ava keeps grabbing books from the shelves, reading the blurbs and putting them back while shaking her head.

“Oh! I’ve got it!” she exclaims after nearly 20 minutes. “Here, read the blurb on this one.” She hands Joan a thin, pink-black-blue book. On the cover is a girl with her back turned to the reader, one arm over her head. She’s standing on a bed that seems to be in the dunes for some reason. The title is We Are Okay and it’s written by Nina LaCour. Joan reads the back of the book. It’s about a girl who left everything and everyone in her old life behind and attends college on the other side of the country. _Seriously, Ava?_

“And? What do you think?” Ava asks, visibly excited. She’s convinced she has found the exact right book for Joan. Joan wants to say no, but when she looks at Ava, she knows she can’t disappoint her.

“I’ll give it a shot.”

“Yes!” Ava grabs the book from Joan's hands and runs over to the counter. “I’ll take these four please.”

“Hold on, I’ll pay for my own book!” Joan says.

“My treat! I want to be the one to buy the first book you’ve ever loved.”

Joan frowns, but she lets Ava pay. There’s no harm in saving a little more money.

* * *

On Saturday, fall break is almost over. Tomorrow Joan and Ava are driving back to Berkeley. But today? Today is Halloween, and they’re gonna make the most of it. Ava has the whole day planned: first pumpkin carving, then corn maze, then a haunted house and to end the day: a Halloween party. 

“Here you go,” Ava says as she hands Joan an already hollowed out pumpkin, a marker and a knife. “What are you gonna carve?”

“It’s a surprise,” Joan says. She takes everything from Ava, who sits down opposite her with her own supplies. Ava is already in full Halloween outfit and makeup. She’s dressed as Heather McNamara and tried to convince Joan to dress up as Heather Duke, but hasn’t succeeded (yet). When Joan asked why not Heather Chandler, Ava shrugged and said “She’s a bitch and she dies, why would you want to be her anyway?”

Right now, Ava is busy tracing her design on her pumpkin. She wants to do a cat silhouette, because “The less I have to take my knife out of the pumpkin, the less chances I have to cut myself.”

Joan, on the other hand, is trying to make a Jack Skellington pumpkin. While she’s carving, Ava tries to peek a few times, but Joan throws herself over the pumpkin as if it holds all the Universe’s secrets. When she’s finally done, she calls Ava over to look at the pumpkin. She squeals with joy.

“You made The Nightmare Before Christmas! My favourite Halloween movie!”

“All for you babe,” Joan laughs. She isn’t kidding though. She really _did_ carve the pumpkin just because she knew Ava would like it.

The rest of the day is kind of a blur. Ava somehow convinces Joan to dress up anyway, and they go to the corn maze, which turns out to be super boring. Ava does hold Joan’s hand the entire time, which sends Joan into a gay panic she doesn’t recover from until they enter the haunted house. They didn’t expect it to be super scary, but they both come out scared half to death. After that, they go home, eat and freshen up for the party.

When they get to the party, it’s already crowded. People in costumes are everywhere, drinking and moving their bodies to the beat of whatever overrated pop song is playing. From the first looks of it, the party is pretty lame. Then again, according to Ava, this is the only party where they’ll let underage drinkers in and serve them alcohol without any ID. That was enough for Joan to agree. While they’re making their way to the bar for a couple of Halloween-themed cocktails, Ava keeps running into people she knows from high school or past hobbies. Thankfully, they don’t strike up a conversation. They just yell _hello_ over the music and disappear again.

“Two Black Magic Margaritas please,” Ava yells when they get to the bar. The bartender hands her two margaritas with black food dye in them and takes her money. Ava hands Joan a glass and clinks them together.

“Happy Halloween Joanie.”

“Happy Halloween babe.”

The night moves fast. Joan and Ava are drinking and dancing, dancing and drinking. Joan has lost count of the number of terrible Halloween cocktails she’s had, and she supposes Ava has too. Ava moves closer to Joan while dancing, her face so close Joan can feel breath. Then she dances away again, eyes closed. She dances like she’s the only person at the club, she doesn’t care what anyone thinks. Then she dances toward Joan again. She’s like a jojo, always getting close enough for Joan to kiss her, but then moving away again, as if she’s changed her mind. Until she doesn’t move away anymore. She stays close to Joan, whispering slurred things into her ear. Joan can’t understand a word Ava is saying, but she feels her lips brushing her ear. 

It starts with a kiss on her cheek. Joan isn’t even sure she felt it, but when Ava does it again, she can’t deny it. That was definitely a kiss. Joan closes her eyes and mumbles Ava’s name. Then: “Are you sure this is a good idea?”

“Yes. Are you?”

Joan desperately wants to say yes. “We’re drunk.”

“Say stop and I’ll stop,” Ava says.

Joan gives in. “Don’t stop.”

The kiss is intense. She's been dying to do this, and finally Joan has found her excuse. She's going for it. She kisses Ava, but misses her target at first. Luckily, she quickly finds her lips. Her hand runs through Ava’s hair. Ava kisses her back, hungry for Joan’s lips. Ava slips her tongue in, getting sloppy. Deep down, Joan knows she’ll regret this in the morning. Things will be awkward between them. But right now, all that matters are Ava’s lips on hers and her hand on her back and the way Ava is grabbing her neck, trying to pull her even closer, not wanting to let her go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha happy halloween!!


	10. they're here they're queer and they're idiots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ava and Joan are back at Berkeley and enjoying their last day of fall break by bingewatching Merry Happy Whatever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like i should warn you for merry happy whatever spoilers (if you haven't watched it: it's on netflix, it's only 8 episodes and it's GREAT, go watch it first and then come read this)

Back at Berkeley, Ava and Joan are both pretending nothing happened. Ava assumes Joan was too drunk to remember the kiss, and Joan assumes the exact same thing about Ava. It’s driving both of them crazy, but especially Ava. 

She hadn’t even known she wanted to kiss Joan until she was doing it. But when it finally happened?  _ Damn. _ It was  _ electric. _ Ava might have been drunk, but she had never felt more sober than in that exact moment, kissing Joan at a lame Halloween party, both dressed as Heathers. 

And now? She can’t bring up the kiss because she’ll make things awkward with Joan, who has made it incredibly clear she’s straight in the past. But she also can’t stop thinking about it. It has been the only thing on her mind since it happened. This is just a thing straight girls do at parties, right? They make out and then laugh about it. Ava is dying to tell Nic about it, see what she thinks, but Nic won’t be back for two more days. So, instead, she’s making Joan watch a show with her. It’s the only way they can avoid talking.

“Joan, believe me, you’ll love this show,” Ava says as she comes back from the kitchen with a whole bowl of freshly popped popcorn.

“What was it called again?”

“Merry Happy Whatever.”

Joan settles in beside Ava on her bed, their backs leaning against the wall.

“I have literally never heard of it. Hold on.”

Joan gets back up and grabs a pillow from her own bed. She props it up against the wall and sits back down.

“That’s better. Okay, I’m ready.”

Ava puts her laptop on her bedside table and opens Netflix. The first episode starts with a Christmas jingle and Joan makes a face.

“It’s literally November 1st and you’re making me watch a Christmas show?”

“Honest question: what did you expect it would be about, given the name of the show?”

“I don’t know, Thanksgiving? A birthday?”

Ava laughs. “Yeah, I’m gonna start wishing people a merry birthday.”

Joan giggles. She’s  _ so  _ ready to watch this show. It centers around a family (a dad, his kids, their spouses and their kids) all celebrating Christmas together. One of the kids, Emmy, moved away to LA so everyone is happy she’s home. She brought her boyfriend, Matt, who hadn’t met the family yet. The dad doesn’t seem to like him very much. Ava was right, Joan already loves the show.

While watching, Ava slumps down more and more, uncomfortably leaning against the hard wall. She should have taken a pillow like Joan, who definitely looks more comfortable. Okay, her pillow is only an arm length away, but leaning her head on Joan’s shoulder just seems more appealing.

“You’re too far,” Ava complains. Her head can barely rest on Joan’s shoulder because the space between them is too big. Joan laughs and lets out a fake sigh as she moves a little closer to Ava. Ava ends up being uncomfortable anyway, but she stays seated like that for a while, because she doesn’t want to make it weird. 

Eventually she just slumps down even more, until her head rests in Joan’s lap. She feels around behind her and mumbles  _ “Arm.”  _ Joan offers her arm and Ava hugs it. Like, she doesn’t really put it around herself, it’s just leaning on her as she hugs it with both arms like it’s a stuffed animal. Throughout the episode, Ava sometimes mindlessly rubs her thumb over Joan’s arm or she grabs her hand and holds it. Contrary to Ava, Joan is very aware of everything Ava does. She focuses on Don telling Matt another reason why he doesn’t like him, but Ava is very distracting.

They’re on episode three when Kayla, one of the kids, goes on a rant about how beautiful women are to Matt. She’s trying to prove that her looking at her ex-husband’s lesbian assistant’s instagram didn’t mean anything, but clearly, it means everything.

“Oh wow, that’s very gay of her,” Joan giggles when Kayla describes the male body as  _ bleugh.  _ Ava turns on her back and looks up at Joan.

“Ashley Tisdale finally playing a lesbian is everything I ever needed.”

“What do you mean _ ‘finally’? _ We had Sharpay in 2006 already.”

Ava smiles.

“What?” Joan laughs uncomfortably.

“I’m glad you became more open. I can’t imagine you saying Sharpay was a lesbian two months ago.”

“Well, I gotta give credit to my friends for that.”

“Dork.”

Ava turns back to the screen, where Emmy and Matt are being cockblocked in a thousand different ways.

After episode five, Joan announces she has to pee. Ava groans and sits up, letting go of Joan’s arm for the first time since grabbing it. Joan disappears to the bathroom and Ava is left alone with an empty popcorn bowl and a sore neck. She grimaces as she cracks her back and rubs her neck. Fine, laying in Joan’s lap might not be very comfortable, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t like it. Ava puts the empty bowl on her desk and grabs her water bottle from her nightstand. It’s empty, so she just puts it back, not bothering to fill it up again. She’s not even that thirsty. It’s getting dark outside, so Ava closes the curtains and switches on her fairy lights for cosiness.

When Joan comes back, Ava immediately settles in again, head on Joan’s boob and hugging her arm. They watch the last three episodes sitting like that. At the end of the last episode, Joan is crying.

“You okay Joanie?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m good,” she sniffles. “It’s that stupid keychain. It was so cute.”

After coming out, Kayla immediately got support from everyone except for her conservative dad. At the end of the episode though, he gives her a pride keychain, as a sign he supports her.

Ava tries to look up at Joan, but she can’t. Not with her head still in her lap. Not with Joan's arm still around her. Not while holding hands. She doesn’t want to move, so instead she just looks at the ceiling and says: “I’m gay, Joan.” She pauses, waiting for a reaction. Her heart is racing. The silence feels like it will never end. She will never hear another sound. But then—

“So am I.”

Ava frowns. “That was unexpected.”

“Well, I’m bi, I think. I don’t have it all figured out yet. I know I’m into boys. I’ve been attracted to girls before. I don’t know if bi is the exact right label yet, but it’s what fits me best right now.”

“That’s great Joan. Thank you for telling me.”

“Thank you for telling me too. I don’t think I would’ve said anything if you hadn’t.”

Ava traces the veins on Joan’s hand, not looking up when she says: “I’ve wanted to tell you for a very long time but I didn’t feel safe enough. Everyone else knows. I’m actually a very out and proud lesbian. But you… you could be very homophobic sometimes, especially in your first weeks here.” She pauses. “If you’re bi, why were you so against being friends with Alix and Ellen and the rest of the gang?”

Joan sighs. “I don’t know. Internalised homophobia, compulsive heterosexuality…” She pauses, letting the words hang in the air for a while. “I don’t think I fully accepted my sexuality until I got here. Bismarck is very traditional and I’m used to gay people being seen as something bad.”

“That must’ve been hard on you. How long have you known you’re bi?”

“Since fourth grade maybe? I didn’t know what it was called back then, but I was crushing hard on my teacher, Miss Greene. Remember when I told you I took a plane here all alone because bringing my parents would’ve been too expensive? And how I told you that same thing when you asked me why I wasn’t going home for fall break?”

Ava nods.

“That wasn’t the reason. In reality, my parents have a fuckton of money. I came out to them a week before coming here and I had to flee them. They kicked me out, said they never wanted to hear from me again unless I snapped out of it. I slept in a motel for a few days before I got here.”

“I’m so sorry about that,” Ava says, sitting up now so she can look Joan in the eyes. “That’s terrible.”

“Yeah, well… I’m here now, I have you. It’s all good. Can we talk about something else now? When did you come out?”

“I didn’t.”

Joan raises her eyebrows. “Didn’t you  _ just  _ say you’re  _ ‘a very out and proud lesbian’ _ ?” She makes air quotes to make her point.

“I know, I know. It’s not like I don’t want to come out. I mean, all our friends know.” Joan raises her eyebrows. “Don’t look at me like that. No but, I want to tell my dad. I tell him everything. It’s just… He’s hardly ever home and I don’t want to ruin what little time I have with him. Besides, we’re already the great family shame, I wouldn’t want to make it worse.”

Joan looks down at Ava. “Look at me. Sit up.” Ava reluctantly sits up, crosses her legs and looks into Joan’s eyes. Joan takes her hands and says: “You are not gonna make it worse. Being gay is  _ not  _ something to be ashamed of. I understand I made you feel like shit those first weeks. I didn’t realise it back then, but I do now and I am  _ so  _ sorry. Whether or not you want to come out to your dad and how is completely up to you. But if your reason for it is that you think it’s a shameful thing, I want you to know it’s not.”

“I love you,” Ava breathes.

“I love you too.”

Ava allows Joan to wrap her up in her arms. She snuggles close and closes her eyes. All she wants right now, is forget the world and be with Joan. Joan, who is apparently bi. Joan, who she might have an actual shot with. Joan. Her Joan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was not at all based on me n my crush binging zoey's together


	11. i fucking love nic and i want her to be my girlfriend ok

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joan and Ava spend some time together. Nic finds out about the week Ava and Joan spent together and has Opinions.

When Joan comes back from her first Intro to Filmmaking class, she drops her bag on the floor and flops down on her bed face-first. Ava turns around in her desk chair to look at her.

“Everything okay?”

Joan groans.

“Okay… Do you want to talk about it?”

Joan sits up, grabs a pillow and pouts. Ava waits for her to say something.

“We got a huge assignment. I thought I was just gonna learn some basic filmmaking techniques in this class, like how to work a camera and get the right light, but it’s way more advanced than that,” Joan sighs. “We have to present a short film as our final exam.”

Ava raises her eyebrows. “You didn’t seriously expect them to just teach you how to use a camera for six months? Of course there was gonna be an assignment. Didn’t you read the course info?”

Joan shakes her head. “I’m not that smart.”

“I’m sure you’ll be able to handle the assignment. Tell me about it. It’s a short movie, but what are the requirements?”

“Well, we get to pick what it’s about and whether we do it alone or with a partner. I chose to do it alone.”

Ava nods. “Group projects are the worst, go on.”

“By next week we should have our theme and from then on we’ll gradually learn filming techniques and all that shit. The goal at the end of the course is a ten to fifteen minute movie that uses at least three techniques taught in the class. Next to that we also need to use at least two different perspectives. We have the option of working with the drama department if we want, but it’s not a must.”

“Well, that sounds perfectly doable! Do you have any ideas about a subject yet?”

Joan shakes her head. “I just wanna think about something else right now, I’ll add it to my planning and think about it later.”

“That’s fine. So what do you wanna do?”

“I don’t know. What are you doing?”

Ava turns around to her desk and immediately turns back. “I was studying but I think I’m done for today.” She looks at Joan and shrugs. “Do you wanna grab dinner?”

“Sure.”

After going back and forth about where they want to eat, Joan calls Domino’s to have two pizzas delivered. Going out suddenly seemed like too much of an effort. While waiting for their pizza, the two girls cuddle up together to watch Mamma Mia.

“I can’t believe you’ve never seen this,” Ava says. “It’s a classic. A getaway musical.”

“I’m just not very into people bursting out in song every five minutes. It’s not realistic.”

Ava scoffs. _“Please._ As if all the romcoms you watch are realistic.”

“That’s different!”

“No it’s not,” Ava laughs. “They set unrealistic expectations for love! I’m not gonna have a meet-cute with the love of my life, think I’ll never see them again but then surprise, they show up at my sister’s wedding and then there’s a passionate kiss. That doesn’t happen in real life. In real life, people get to know each other a little bit before they get engaged.”

Joan shrugs. “They’re just cute. Don’t you love the feeling you have after watching a romcom? Like, you finish it, the protagonists finally got together and suddenly everything feels possible? All of a sudden you want a girlfriend to cuddle with, right in that minute.”

Ava looks up at Joan and smirks. “A girlfriend to cuddle with huh? Is that why you insist I watch them with you?”

Right in this moment, Ava is curled up against Joan, Joan’s arm around her. They’re sharing a blanket and Ava is wearing Joan’s hoodie, because to get her own, she’d have to get up and take one from her closet. Mamma Mia is playing in the background, but has been forgotten. Joan is flushed when Ava points out how intimate all of this is.

“Oh, our pizzas are here!” Ava says as if she didn’t just turn Joan’s world upside down. She tends to do that a lot, make Joan feel entirely new emotions and then act like nothing happened. “I’ll go get them, you enjoy the movie.”

“Don’t you want me to pause it until you’re back?”

“Nah, I know the entire movie by heart.”

Ava takes her wallet and goes downstairs to get the pizza. Joan is left alone with her feelings and Meryl Streep singing her heart out in _The Winner Takes It All._

  
  


“Ava. Look me in the eyes,” Nic says, making intense eye contact with Ava, who’s trying hard to avoid said eye contact. It’s kind of hard not to look at Nic when she’s holding her jaw and forcing her to look at her. They’re sitting in the crowded dining hall. Joan, Alix and Ellen are nowhere to be found. “You’re telling me that while I was gone, Joan spent the _entire week_ at your house, you binged a whole ass show together _while cuddling,_ came out to each other _and_ you watched Mamma Mia, cuddling and talking about cuddling with a _girlfriend?_ And now you’re asking me if I think she’s _into you?_ Do you even hear yourself?”

Ava frees her face from Nic’s hands and looks away. She mutters something Nic can’t quite understand.

“What?”

“I’m not even sure I like her. Like, I didn’t even think about her like that before we kissed.”

_“YOU KISSED??”_

Ava sheepishly looks at Nic. Nic stares back at her, waiting for her to explain what happened.

“Well?” she asks when Ava doesn’t say anything. “What happened? Who kissed who? When?”

“We went to a party on Halloween. We were both pretty drunk and I kissed Joan’s cheek. Before I even knew what I was doing, I did it again. Joan asked me if I thought it was a good idea and I said yes, but I’d stop if she told me to. Then she said _‘don’t stop’_ and we kissed.” Ava smiles just thinking about it. She has been thinking and overthinking about that night a lot. She was the one to kiss first, but Joan told her not to stop. Did it actually mean anything or was Joan just drunk? She has no idea. “I’m not even sure Joan remembers it,” she says eventually.

“You haven’t talked about it?”

“No. I didn’t want things to be awkward.” Nic can understand that. What if Ava brings it up and Joan doesn’t remember it? She might not feel the same way about Ava and avoid her or something. It would ruin their friendship. On the other hand, what if Joan remembers the kiss and feels the same way?

“Okay, this is a tough one, but Ava. You kissed. You’re always cuddling. You’re almost always together. You are currently wearing Joan’s sweater, for God’s sakes.”

“No I’m not?” Ava says. Nic points at Ava’s right boob, where it reads JOAN in capital letters under a high school drama club logo. “Oh. I honestly thought I put on my own sweater today.”

“My point is, you guys are basically dating already. Why not be honest with her and tell her how you feel?”

“Because I’m scared,” Ava admits. “Don’t you think I’ve already thought about all of that? I desperately want to tell her. Believe me, I do. But there’s this little part of me that’s scared I’m imagining it all and she won’t want me near her anymore. I don’t think I could handle that.”

“I wish I could help you Ava, but I think you know I can’t.”

“Yeah, I know. I just needed to vent. I’ve been counting down the minutes until you were back.”

“Aww, that’s pretty sweet of you.”

Ava looks behind Nic and says: “We were never talking about this. They’re coming.” Nic looks behind her and sees their friends coming their way with their food. Ava and Nic have already finished theirs.

“Tell me about your week. How was Connor?”

“It was great to see him again! I’ve really missed him.”

“Who, Connor?” Alix asks as they sit down. Nic nods and goes on.

“I stayed with him in Pasadena. We went to the Huntington Library and botanical gardens, it was beautiful. I don’t know if you’ve ever been, but if you haven’t I highly recommend it. We spent the whole day there. There are a bunch of different themed gardens and a few art galleries. Here, look.”

Nic takes out her phone and shows pictures of her and Connor in the gardens. In the photos, Nic still has her black hair. Right now, she’s sitting at the table with her curls dyed red. It’s her natural colour, but since none of them have seen Nic with any other hair colour than black, it takes some getting used to.

‘This looks amazing,” Ellen says. “Maybe we can go sometime?” she asks Alix. This sets off a very lovey-dovey reaction and soon both of them forget there are other people at the table. They haven’t seen each other all break, so everyone just accepts it and lets them be.

“What have guys done over break?” Nic asks Joan. “Ava told me you were together all week.”

“We didn’t do a lot actually. Chilled and explored the city a bit. Oh, and on Halloween Ava had a whole day planned out. We carved pumpkins and went to a corn maze and a haunted house and then there was a party.”

“Oh, how was the party?” Nic asks innocently. Ava is trying to stop her, but she can’t do more than just stare without making Joan suspicious. Nic knows this and grins smugly.

“It was great. I mean, the party itself was kind of basic, but I was in good company. Have you ever seen Ava drunk? It’s a wild experience.”

“As a matter of fact I have! And I agree, drunk Ava really is something. She gets clingy and emotional.”

Ava buries her head in her hands and groans. The first time she met Nic wasn’t in French class, but at one of the many off-campus parties. Two days later Ava saw Nic again in her French class and only vaguely remembered her. Nic on the other hand remembered the night very clearly. Apparently Ava had talked to Nic for nearly an hour. By the time Nic could finally escape her, she’d learned Ava’s entire life story.

“Okay, you know what, that’s enough of you two talking about me,” Ava says as she gets up. “Nic, are you coming?”

“Where are we going?”

“To French class.”

“Why? It doesn’t start for another fifteen minutes.”

Ava stares at Nic and picks up her tray from the table. “It’s a long walk to the other side of campus.”

“The queen has spoken. We’ll catch up later Joan,” Nic says, picking up her own tray too. She walks away. Ava is about to follow her, but Joan stops her.

“Hey, you’re acting weird. Are we okay?”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it,” Ava smiles. “We’re good. I just don’t want to be late.”

“Okay. I’ll see you tonight, I’m cooking dinner for us.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Ava takes off, big smile on her face. When Nic asks her if she has just heard Joan say I love you, she bumps her shoulder and avoids the question. She is not in the mood for any more nosiness from Nic.


	12. nic is just. baffled by the useless gayness of it all.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nic sleeps over in Joan and Ava's room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happiest season spoilers maybe?

After their weekly gay movie night, the whole gang is gathered on the floor in Joan and Ava’s room. They’re passing around the unfinished bag of chips they bought to share while watching  _ Happiest Season.  _ Nic is laying in Ava’s bed, barely following the conversation.

“Okay but the wasted potential with Riley! They had so much more chemistry!” Alix exclaims.

“You  _ knew  _ Abby and Harper would make it, it’s a romcom,” Joan says.

“That doesn’t mean I’m not disappointed. It was a good movie, but them getting back together was just bullshit.”

Ava tries to chime in, but Alix and Joan have gotten into another one of their heated arguments. She turns to El.

“How does this happen every single time? How do they not run out of things to argue about?”

“Honestly, I have no idea. But this brings them closer together somehow so do we really care?” El asks.

“I guess you’re right. I’ll never understand though.”

“At least we don’t have to intensely defend our opinions to be friends.”

“Right,” Ava grins. She wants to include Nic too, but when she turns around she sees Nic has passed out on her bed. She knows Thursdays are intense for her, so she decides to just let Nic sleep for a while.

When everyone leaves about an hour later, Nic is still sleeping.

“What do we do?” Joan asks.

“Just leave her. She almost fell asleep in French class too, I don’t know what’s up. She might just have a hard day but it might be more.” Ava takes a blanket from her closet and carefully covers Nic with it. “I was gonna ask her about it later but I didn’t get a chance.”

“Okay, well. We’ll see what she’s like tomorrow. Should we let anyone know she’s staying here?”

“Right! Her parents might be worried. Hold on, let me find her phone.” Ava dives into Nic’s bag. It’s a mess of loose pens and three different notebooks, her laptop and a bunch of stuff Ava is sure Nic doesn’t need for class (who keeps a tiny fake cactus in their bag?). Eventually she finds Nic’s phone and unlocks it.

“How do you know her passcode?” Joan asks.

“I know yours too, don’t I?”

“Fair.”

Ava texts Nic’s mom, telling her Nic fell asleep and she’s scared to wake her up so she’ll be spending the night. Within minutes Nic’s mom replies with a thumbs up emoji.

“Alright, I’m gonna change into my pajamas then. You’re okay with me sleeping in your bed, right?”

Joan nods. She leaves to brush her teeth while Ava changes. On her way out of the bathroom, Joan passes Ava in the hallway. She smiles at her and disappears into their room. Truth be told, she’s pretty happy about Nic falling asleep on Ava’s bed. She has been telling herself she’s gonna confess her feelings to Ava, but she hasn’t found the courage yet. Maybe this night close together is exactly what they need. To go back to whatever it was they had during fall break. Ava comes back and crawls in bed with Joan.

“Give me your arm,” she whispers. Joan wraps her arm around Ava, who scooches in. For a moment, Joan holds her breath. She can feel her own heart beating against Ava’s back. Honestly, it might be Ava’s heart, she can barely tell. Ava’s hair tickles her nose, so when she finally exhales, she softly blows in Ava’s curls.

“Sorry, was my hair in your face?” Ava asks, half turning around.

“Yeah, but it’s fine, don’t worry.”

“I was thinking of shaving it.”

Joan chuckles. “Yeah that will help keep it out of my face.” This gets a laugh from Ava. Joan can feel Ava laugh with her whole body. She is overwhelmed by a sudden outburst of love for her and almost blurts out a confession of love right in that moment, but she stops herself just in time.

“No, I just think it’s time for a change. My hair is a lot of work and it pays off, it always looks amazing, but some days i just want to wake up and be ready without having to do my whole hair routine. If I’d shave the sides short and leave the top like something between a mohawk and an afro, I’ll still have some work to do, but not as much as now.”

“I’m sure you’ll look amazing,” Joan smiles. Ava hums in agreement, then giggles. She pulls Joan’s arm closer to her chest and settles in.

* * *

The first one to wake up the next morning is Nic. At first she doesn’t know where she is, but she quickly realises she’s in Joan and Ava’s room. The next thing on her mind is  _ “Shit, my mom!” _ She pats around on the floor, trying to find her bag in the pitch black room. When she finally finds her phone, she sees it’s not even 6 AM yet. She finds the text Ava sent her mom and feels relieved. At least her parents haven’t worried about where she was all night.

Feeling too awake to go back to sleep, Nic sits up in bed. Her phone is at 8%, so she feels around on the floor. She  _ knows  _ Ava’s charger is always plugged in somewhere near her nightstand. When she finds it, she plugs in her phone, takes her headphones and opens Netflix. Nic rests her phone against Ava’s water bottle, but it’s empty and can’t hold the weight of Nic’s phone, so it topples over. Nic whinces, afraid the noise would wake Joan up. Then it dawns on her. If she’s in Ava’s bed, where is Ava?

In the light of an episode of Schitt’s Creek playing on her phone, still screen side up on Ava’s nightstand, she looks around the room. She can make out a lump in Joan’s bed, but that’s all. No Ava to be found. When she squints, she sees the lump in Joan’s bed is not just Joan. Ava is laying in her arms. Nic almost squeals of joy.  _ They’re spooning! _ They have probably been like this all night, because a single bed in a university dorm room doesn’t exactly provide enough space for two. Nic has to use everything she has not to jump out of bed and wake Ava to scream about this. She manages to just take her phone and restart the episode she was about to watch, but on the inside she’s still screaming. This is almost as exciting a ship with a four season buildup finally getting together.

* * *

The alarm brutally wakes up Nic from her sleep again. Apparently she was more tired than she thought when she woke up this morning. Her phone is screen down on the bed. When she picks it up, she sees Schitt’s Creek is still playing. From the other side of the room, Ava groans in frustration while trying to find the source of the loud beeping noise.

“Joan, where’s your phone?” she mumbles. A muffled noise comes from behind her, Nic can’t quite understand what’s being said. Lucky for her, Ava can. A few seconds later the beeping stops.

“Why’d you change your alarm?” Ava asks.

“You kept complaining I never woke up on time, so I decided a louder alarm might be the way to go.”

Ava rubs her eyes. She did say that. “Morning Nic.”

“Good morning.”

“Oh, Nic. I forgot you were here,” Joan says as she sits up straight. Ava is the only one still laying down. She has her eyes closed, but she’s awake. Joan carefully pushes some curls from her face and kisses Ava’s forehead. “Come on, time to get up.”

Nic is watching all of this in awe. She wonders if this stuff happens more often. It probably does, right? Why would they randomly start behaving like this just because she is here? As soon as Joan leaves the room to shower, Nic jumps up and flops down next to Ava.

“Bitch? How did that happen?”

Ava squints, still not 100% awake. “How did what happen?”

“First of all, you’ve been spooning with Joan all night.”

“Yeah well, you were in my bed. What other option did we have?”

“Okay, but what’s with the forehead kiss?”

“Oh yeah, that’s just a running joke we have. I think it started over break? Whoever is awake first gives the other a forehead kiss to start the day with some positivity. We read it in a Buzzfeed article about weird habits people in long term relationships developed.”

Nic just stares at Ava and blinks a few times.

“What?” Ava asks.

“Do you not hear yourself? You’re behaving like an actual couple. This is some next level relationship stuff. You guys are dating.”

Ava frowns. “Are you always this perky at 7:30 AM?”

Nic lightly slaps Ava on her shoulder. “Not what we’re talking about here! When are you gonna tell her?”

“I don’t know. I’ll see.”

All Nic can do is roll her eyes. “You’re terrible at this.” Ava just shrugs and turns around again, savouring her last moments in bed before the start of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i KNOW it's taking me a long time to update each time but i'm just really swamped with uni work and some shit happened in my life so i'm trying. i promise. i haven't forgotten


	13. i don't know shit about filmmaking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ava helps Joan out with her filmmaking project.

“Hey, I’m leaving in five minutes. See you tonight?” Joan asks.

Ava looks up from her philosophy book. “Where are you going?”

“Intro to Filmmaking.”

“Right, I forgot your schedule changed after Fall break. Did you pick a subject to do your project on yet?”

Joan nods and puts her bag on the floor. She sits down on Ava’s desk. Ava wants to stop her before she messes up her papers, but it’s too late. Joan is sitting right on them, which is fine right now, but when she gets back up it’ll be a whole mess. She has a habit of dropping stuff.

“I was thinking I could do something about coming out. It’s something personal, something Juniper really loves. She points it out constantly, reminding us that if we pick something close to us, we’ll be more passionate about it and thus do better.”

“Back up— who’s Juniper?”

“Our teacher. She likes to be called by her first name. Didn’t I tell you?”

Ava shakes her head. “Coming out seems like a great theme. There’s a lot you can do that centers around it.”

“Exactly! Anyway, I have to leave or else I’ll be late. See you tonight!”

Joan hops off the desk, pulling half of Ava’s syllabus on the floor. She grimaces and whispers  _ sorry, _ but runs out to get to class on time. Ava sighs and collects everything that fell. Lucky for her, most of it is still in order. 

Meanwhile, Joan arrives at her classroom right on time. She drops her bag on the floor and grabs a chair. Everyone is sitting in a half circle with Juniper in the middle.

“Ah, Joan is here, that makes us complete. Alright, I would love to start by going around the circle and let you all pitch your topics for the short film. Jamie, we’ll start with you and then continue counterclockwise.”

Joan rolls her eyes. Juniper loves defying the unspoken rules society has (like always going clockwise), but she always does it in such a small way that it’s just confusing, not inspiring. Everyone pitches their ideas for their short film. There are a few very good ones, like someone who wants to do a movie about their deaf roommate, but also a few bad ones. That is, bad in Joan’s opinion, because Juniper okays the idea of a death metal world where everyone talks the way singers in death metal bands sing. Then it’s Joan’s turn to pitch.

“I was thinking of doing a movie about a closeted teen in a homophobic family.”

“Okay, what else?” Juniper asks.

“What do you mean what else?”

“Well, there are a lot of movies and books about teens coming out. What’s gonna make your movie different from the others?”

Joan is taken aback. Wasn’t it enough to work from personal experience? “I… don’t know? It’s a very personal topic to me and I was hoping I could just work out something centering around that?”

“Give it another thought Joan. I’ll get back to you when class is over, we can find something together.”

Juniper moves on to the next person, Joan is left frustrated.  _ What makes it different from the other movies?  _ But a death metal world was somehow a great idea? This is bullshit. While the last three people are pitching their ideas, Joan texts Ava.

_ You: Juniper said no to my idea. She thinks it doesn’t go deep enough and there are too many stories just like it, I hate it here _

Ava texts back right away.

_ Avie 💕: do u have to throw the whole idea out the window _

_ Avie 💕: or can you keep it but like _

_ Avie 💕: add some kind of twist? _

_ You: Idk, she said she’s gonna go over it with me after class, we’ll see what she says _

_ Avie 💕: keep me updated!!! _

_ Avie 💕: and pay attention!! don’t be texting me while ur in class _

_ Avie 💕: i have to study anyway  _

_ Avie 💕: but seriously text me with updates _

_ You: Will do! _

Joan puts her phone away and tries to focus back on what Juniper is saying. She’s talking about Cleo Madison, one of the few female directors in the early 20th century. Though it’s an interesting subject, Joan’s mind keeps wandering off. She’s trying to make sense of Juniper’s commentary. How can she make her movie special? She has no idea.

About fifteen minutes later, Joan sees her phone light up in her tote bag. She takes it out and checks it. It’s a text from Ava.

_ Avie 💕: hey so i’ve been thinking _

_ Avie 💕: what if you make ur movie some kind of docu _

_ Avie 💕: like u follow someone’s journey _

_ Avie 💕: and film that _

_ Avie 💕: that would make it authentic, right? _

_ Avie 💕: i think juniper would like that _

Joan frowns. In theory it’s a great idea, but where is she gonna find someone to help her? She can’t ask Nic, El or Alix, because all of them are out, and Ava said she isn’t ready yet. Asking a random person seems strange, since it’s something very personal and the drama department won’t do either because that takes away the whole point of authenticity again.

_ You: That’s a great idea Avie, but where do I find my actor? I can’t just ask some rando “Hey, can I please film the most stressful and intimate part of your life?” Also, shouldn’t you be studying? You’re telling me I shouldn’t text you when I’m in class and then it’s you who texts me _

_ Avie 💕: yeah i got bored _

_ Avie 💕: also u said “i hate it here” _

_ Avie 💕: i should at least to make u hate it a little less _

_ Avie 💕: as for the rando _

_ Avie 💕: what if u come home w me for winter break? _

_ Avie 💕: my dad’s gonna be home _

_ Avie 💕: and i think i’m ready _

_ Avie 💕: i could be ur eandp _

_ Avie 💕: rando** oops _

Joan reads it over and over again. Going home with Ava. And she’s ready to come out? And she’d allow Joan to film the whole journey? She thinks it over. It sure would make her movie unlike any other  _ and  _ it would probably bring her even closer to Ava. And fall break has proven that spending a lot of time with Ava is fun, she’d gladly do it again.

_ Avie 💕: i’m sorry i didn’t mean to assume anything _

_ Avie 💕: u probably wanna go home home for break _

_ Avie 💕: forget what i said, it was stupid _

_ You: No, no that’s not it. Tbh I didn’t even consider going home to my parents, they don’t want to see me anyway. I’m just scared it might not end well, you know? What if we start fighting? Or what if your dad doesn’t take it well and throws us both out? There’s just a lot to consider _

_ Avie 💕: don’t worry about my dad _

_ Avie 💕: i’m like 99% sure he’s gonna be totally cool w it _

_ Avie 💕: coming out is just scary _

_ Avie 💕: u know that _

_ Avie 💕: just pitch the idea to juniper _

_ Avie 💕: we can work out the details later _

Joan smiles as she throws her phone in her bag. Ava is right, everything will be fine. She’s so excited about going home with Ava for winter break that she almost forgets Juniper still has to okay the idea. When she’s done packing up her things at the end of class, she’s halfway out the door when she hears Juniper calling her name.

“Joan, stay for a bit. We have to look at your idea.”

“Right, sorry!” Joan says, turning back around and sitting down on a chair across from Juniper. “I actually gave it some thought and I think I have a new angle.”

“Oh? Go on.”

“What if I make it a little more like a documentary? I could follow someone on their journey to coming out.”

“Okay… Do you have someone in mind?”

“I do actually.”

“Well, it’s definitely better and more thought out than just a teen in a homophobic family. This person you have in mind, you’re not forcing them to come out, right? They’re gonna be safe?”

“Yes! She doesn’t have a homophobic family. Actually it’s just her and her dad, the rest of the family abandoned them. That’s why she hasn’t come out yet, she didn’t want to complicate the only family relationship she still has.”

“You didn’t answer my question. You’re not forcing her?”

“No, she actually offered to do this herself.”

“Okay, if that’s the case I have no objections. Good luck with your movie!”

“Thank you,” Joan smiles. She practically runs out of the classroom, back to her dorm. She’s halfway when she realises she doesn’t have to be in her dorm, but in Queer History. She mutters a  _ shit  _ and turns around to the Valley building. She quietly enters the lecture hall, where prof. Carson has already started with his lecture.

“You’re late,” he says.

“I’m so sorry sir. My last class went over.”

“Take a seat.”

Joan descends the stairs until she finds Ava, El and Alix and sits with them. She wants to take out laptop to take notes, but finds that she left it in her room when she left for Intro to Filmmaking.

“Here,” Ava whispers as she hands Joan a notebook and a pen. “We’re all taking notes in Google Docs, but since you’re already late I think it’s best you at least pretend to be doing something.”

_ Thank you, _ Joan mouths. That’s twice Ava has saved her ass today. “I truly wouldn’t be anything without you.”

“I know babe. Now shh before you get kicked out.”

  
_ Three times.  _ She saved her ass three times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey did you know that if ur still reading this fic i love you very much??


	14. a very merry christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joan and Ava go to Ava's house for winter break. They celebrate Christmas and work on Joan's filmmaking project.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know christmas was a few days ago and this is late but also time isn't real and with exams coming up and a bunch of papers due i had a little delay oops

“Do you have everything?” Ava asks. It’s Friday, the last day of the semester. Joan’s semester ended yesterday after her Intro to Philosophy final, but Ava had had her French oral exam today. She hated every minute of it and is more than ready to leave Berkeley behind for two weeks.

Joan looks around, her stuffed backpack thrown over one shoulder. “I think so, I just have to go pick up a camera from Juniper and then I’m ready to leave.”

“Great, let’s go then.” Ava picks up her bags and locks the door to their room behind them. They stop by the Wellman building for all the equipment Joan needs for her documentary and then they’re off to the parking lot. Joan throws everything but the camera in the trunk of Ava’s car.

“Okay, we’re gonna start right here. Maybe stand over there?” Joan points to an empty space in the parking lot where you can see the university in the background. Ava walks over and waits for Joan to give her instructions. She feels uncomfortable. There might not be any people in the parking lot, but she already hates when people take pictures of her, let alone make a documentary about her life. Maybe this wasn’t her best idea yet. Then again, she’s helping Joan out by doing it and that compensates the awkwardness that comes with it.

“Are you ready?” Joan asks. Ava nods. “Okay, just explain what’s gonna happen this week. You don’t have to introduce yourself, I’ll add a voiceover later.”

Ava looks at the lens and picks at her nailpolish. “Okay so… We’re gonna drive home today. Uh…” She pauses. “Sorry, can we start over please? I have to think it out first.”

“Sure, take your time.”

Ava has rehearsed a few lines in her head, she tries again. “So we’re going home today. It’s winter break and I’m spending it with my dad. Uh… I don’t see him often, so yeah, I’m pretty excited. What else… Nope. No. I’m sorry Joan, I can’t do this. It feels weird.”

‘It’s fine,” Joan says. “We can film this later, or we can just scrap it and make it a whole voiceover. Don’t worry about it babe.”

Joan turns the camera off and gets in the car. Ava drives, while Joan films the changing landscape and Ava behind the steering wheel. The pressure is off. Ava goofs around a bit, smiling at the camera when they’re at a red light.

“I’m actually happy we’re doing this,” she says. “I love spending time with you.”

“I love spending time with you too.” There’s a pause. The right changes to green and Ava sets the car in motion again. Joan has put the camera away. She shifts in her seat a bit so she can look at Ava without craning her neck. “Thank you. For allowing me to spend yet another break with you.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“No, really. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

* * *

Two days have passed when Ava’s dad comes back home from Italy. Joan is nervous to meet him, even after Ava has assured her he’s a laid back dude and there’s nothing to worry about. It doesn’t help when the first thing Joan notices as Abel gets out of the car is his navy blue suit. Abel is a tall, black man. His hair is turning grey, but he doesn’t look old. Joan finds him intimidating.

“Dad!” Ava yells, running up to him to hug him. “I’ve missed you! How was Italy?”

“It was great. Warm.” Abel takes his bags from the trunk of the taxi and walks with Ava to the front door, where Joan is waiting. “Ah, is this the famous Joan?” Ava nods.

Joan extends her hand. “Nice to meet you, Mr. Price.”

“Oh please, call me Abel. I’ve heard a lot about you. It seems you’re taking good care of my Ava while I’m gone.”

“Well, she takes care of me, mostly,” Joan chuckles. All three go inside. Abel says he’s gonna get changed and disappears to upstairs, taking his bags with him.

“So? Less terrified of him now?” Ava asks.

Joan chuckles. “He’s nice.”

* * *

The days leading up to Christmas consist mostly of holiday shopping, decorating and planning a menu for Christmas Eve. Joan has hidden a few cameras around the living room and the kitchen to film for her documentary without Abel asking any questions about it. She was worried about filming without his consent at first, but Ava assured her he wouldn’t mind. They’d tell him about it later.

December 24th is spent in the kitchen. Everyone is in their pajamas all day, working together to prepare the Christmas Eve meal. Abel takes care of the turkey, while Joan and Ava take care of the sides and the table decoration.

“How many people are we expecting tonight?” Joan asks, standing in front of the cupboard with the fancy plates.

“Four,” Ava replies. “You, me, my dad and his friend Kate. You’ve met her, she owns Alley Cat Books.”

“Oh yeah, I remember her! She was nice!”

Joan takes four plates and starts setting the table while Ava folds napkins into tiny crowns. Each plate gets a red napkin crown and a tiny, gold bell to add some extra flair. Ava carefully arranges a few decorative snowflakes in between the plates. So finishes off the whole thing with two Christmas themed candles. 

“The table looks amazing Aves,” Abel says.

“Thanks Dad. Joan helped though, you should give her some credit too.”

“All I did was put the plates and cutlery on the table. Anyone could do that.”

“You still did a wonderful job,” Abel smiles.

By 5 PM Kate arrives. She has brought dessert, so Abel takes her to the kitchen where they take care of the finishing touches for the meal. Joan and Ava are cuddled up in front of the tv, watching a cheesy Christmas romcom. Kate joins them soon, she’s being thrown out of the kitchen by Abel because “You’re the guest! You shouldn’t be doing this!”

Right before the main course, Abel gets up and clinks his glass. “I would like to make an announcement.”

“Dad, it’s just us. No need to be that dramatic,” Ava chuckles.

“Well, it’s a big announcement. As you know, Kate and I have known each other for quite a while.”

“Oh, is this going where I think it’s going?” Ava interrupts.

“Well, we wanted to tell you we’ve been dating for a few months now,” Kate smiles.

“That’s amazing!” Ava exclaims. “I  _ always  _ knew this would happen eventually, I was just wondering when you’d realise you’re soulmates. Who was the first to admit it?”

“That’s none of your business, young lady,” Abel jokes.

Kate bows over to Ava and whispers: “It was him.”

Kate ends up sleeping over that night, so she’s there on Christmas morning when the presents are getting unwrapped. Everyone is gathered on the floor around the tree in their pajamas.

“Ava, you’re the youngest, you go first. Pick a present.”

Ava takes a small box in blue wrapping paper and checks the tag. “It’s from Kate.” She unwraps it and inside, she finds  _ Everything leads to you, _ a book she had been wanting to read for a while now. She thanks Kate for it. The unwrapping of all the presents is a very slow, but fun process. Everyone takes turns choosing a present and opening it, until eventually everything is gone and all that’s left is a big mess of wrapping paper. Joan offers to clean it up, so everyone else can go enjoy their presents already.

“I’m going to my room, come when you’re done here?” Ava asks. Joan smiles and nods.

* * *

With Kate being around the house a lot, Joan fears she might hit a bump in her project.

“Are you sure you’re okay with coming out to her too?”

“Joan. Chill. I said it’s fine three times already. Kate already knows.”

“Wait, what? How?”

“It’s really dumb actually. Remember  _ The stars and the blackness between them? _ The book?” Joan nods. “I bought it at Alley Cat Books and Kate wouldn’t have given it a second thought if I hadn’t already paid for my books, told my dad to leave and then ran back to the shelf to get the book. I didn’t want my dad to see it, just in case. That’s how Kate found out.”

“Those damn books,” Joan chuckles.

“Did you know the book she gave me for Christmas is gay too? And one of the two main character’s names is Ava? It was basically written for me specifically.”

Joan laughs. “I’m glad everything is cool. So you’re still okay to do this?”

Ava nods. “I’m telling him as soon as he and Kate get back home from Target.”

And sure enough, as soon as Abel and Kate are done unpacking the groceries, Ava sits them both down on the couch. She and Joan sit down across from them on the coffee table. It feels like one of those insanely serious moments in tv dramas, like Joan and Ava are about to tell Kate and Abel their relative got murdered.

“What’s up Aves?”

Ava takes a deep but silent breath. She looks at Joan, reminding herself she’s doing it for her. Joan mouths  _ I love you  _ and takes Ava’s hand. Ava gently squeezes it and turns back to her dad. Kate, who has figured out what’s going on already, gives Ava an encouraging nod.

“Okay. Here goes.” She pauses. “I know things haven’t always been easy for us and I don’t mean to make it any more difficult for you. I just… I need to say this.” Another pause. “I’m gay. And I’ve always been gay.” Before Abel can even say anything, Ava says: “I haven’t changed one bit, okay? But I can’t keep this from you forever. Pretty much everyone already knows.” She chuckles. “Hell, even Kate already knew. I was just scared I’d lose you or something, I don’t think I could handle that. You’re the only family I have left.”

“Aves.” Ava stops rambling and waits for her dad to say anything else. “You must know I would never abandon you. Honestly, I had my suspicions about you and Joan. Seeing you two these past few days… Yeah, that kind of tipped me off.”

Ava feels her cheeks getting warm. “Me and Joan? No! We’re just— we’re just friends! That’s not… no!”

Abel raises his eyebrows. “Okay. Sorry. But just know I love you, okay? No matter what. I will never leave you. I do want to hear how Kate found out before me though,” he jokes.

Ava lets out a laugh. She calms down a bit, but she’s very aware of the fact she’s still holding Joan’s hand. She’s less aware of the fact Joan doesn’t want to look her way anymore, hurt by Ava’s words.

That evening, Joan is sitting upright in the bed, waiting for Ava to come back from the bathroom. When she does, Joan doesn’t even wait until Ava is fully through the door to ask: “Does dating me really sound that bad to you?”

“Huh?”

“When your dad thought we were dating. You couldn’t deny it fast enough. Does it really sound that bad?”

Ava crawls into bed next to Joan. “That’s not what I meant. I wouldn’t have reacted like that if we were, in fact, dating. But we’re not dating, are we?”

Joan doesn’t think twice before saying: “Aren’t we?”

Ava doesn’t know how to react, she is overcome by gay panic.  _ Aren’t we? _ What does that mean? Is it a joke? What is  _ happening  _ right now?

“Okay, hear me out. If any of this makes you uncomfortable, stop me, but… We’re always together, right? This is the second time I’ve come home with you over break, even Alix and El don't spend that much time together. We’re sharing a bed and spooning more often than not. We  _ kissed.”  _ Joan pauses. “I don’t know if you remember that actually, you were pretty drunk.” Joan looks away. “It was at the—”

“At the Halloween party. I remember. I thought you didn’t.”

“Huh?” Joan makes eye contact with Ava again.

“I didn’t bring it up because I was scared you’d think it was weird or awkward.”

“I did the same thing!”

A silence falls, both girls leaning against the bed’s headboard, staring straight ahead. Ava is the first one to talk again.

“So what are you saying?”

Joan looks at her. “I think we’ve been dating for a few months, we just didn’t know.”

Ava is still looking straight ahead, too scared to face Joan. “And what do you think of that?”

“I’m in if you are,” Joan says. She sounds more self assured than she feels. If Ava turns her down right now, there’s no going back. Things will be awkward and she will be at fault. Lucky for her, Ava doesn’t seem to be planning on turning her down, because she gently cups Joan’s cheek and kisses her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> expect a new year's chaper next (it might come two weeks after new year's but it's coming)


	15. *new year's day by taylor swift playing in the background*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joan and Ava celebrate NYE together by having their very first proper date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know it’s the 12th of january but let's pretend it's nye

When Ava pulls away after what felt like ages, Joan doesn’t know what to do or say. She can’t think anymore. The only thing she knows is that one moment, when she was telling Ava how she felt, she was almost as scared as when she came out to her parents and the next moment she was kissing Ava.  _ Kissing. Ava. Freaking. Price. _ The girl had been crushing on since basically the moment she first walked into her dorm room and saw her standing there, hovering over a half-unpacked duffel bag. Maybe that’s not entirely true. But in that moment, when Ava first introduced herself, Joan knew she might end up liking her as more than just a friend.

Joan bites her lip, nervous to look Ava in the eyes and too scared to speak first. She doesn’t want to ruin this moment.

“Joan?” Ava says softly. Joan turns her head and locks eyes with Ava. “Are you okay? Should I… Should I not have done that?” She seems genuinely concerned, as if Joan hasn’t just told her she thinks they’ve been dating for a while and  _ she doesn’t mind.  _

Joan strokes Ava’s cheek and smiles. “Avie, no. I mean yes. Fuck,” Joan buries her face in her hands. She breathes and looks up. “Yes. Yes, I wanted you to kiss me. And I want to say more right now, I want to tell you so much stuff, but I’m not great with words and I don’t want to ruin this. So please, just kiss me again and never stop.”

Ava does exactly that. They stay up until 5 AM, talking and kissing, kissing and cuddling, until eventually Joan is the first one to start falling asleep. Ava assures her it’s fine, they’ll have lots more time to talk later, and plays with Joan’s hair until she dozes off.

In the next few days, Abel doesn’t see a lot of Joan and Ava. They’re mostly huddled up in Ava’s room, reading books and watching shows. It feels like a dream. Joan can’t believe she actually had the guts to tell Ava and Ava can’t believe Joan felt the same way all this time.

“Okay, New Year’s Eve is tonight,” Ava says. “What do you wanna do?”

“I don’t know, what do you usually do?”

“Well, I either go partying with friends or I have a chill night in with my dad, there’s no in between. What about you?”

“We used to go over to my grandma’s house for dinner and then we’d watch the ball drop on tv together.”

Ava thinks it all over. “What if we had our first real date?” Joan raises her eyebrows. “Okay, hear me out,’ Ava says. “I’ll plan it all, the whole evening. We’ll go into the city and watch the fireworks in real life at the Bay. Sound good?”

“Yeah, sounds great,” Joan smiles. “I still can’t believe this is actually happening. I can’t believe I get to kiss you now.”

Ava is smiling too. “Can you believe it’s only been four months since we first met? It feels like a lifetime ago.”

“So crazy. I can’t even remember what life was like before I met you. It would have been sad, right? I didn’t even have friends back then and look at us now.” Joan pauses. “It’s not even just that. I’ve changed so much. I used to be closed off and closeted, scared people might suspect I was gay and covering it all up with homophobia. And look at me now. Out and proud at my dream university, surrounded by a whole group of very gay friends. How did that even happen?”

“I don’t know, but I’m glad it did.”

  
  


That evening, Ava takes Joan out to a tiny restaurant in the suburbs, right near her house. Joan is surprised she hasn’t seen this before on one of the many walks through the neighbourhood that Ava took her on. It’s cosy and the walls are lined with bookcases full of old and dusty books.

“Does anyone ever read those?” Joan asks.

“Well, you’re allowed to pick one and read it while you wait for your food, but I’ve never seen anyone actually do that.” She points at one shelf, all alone on a wall, separated from the others. “That one is used a lot though.”

“What’s so special about that one?”

“It’s a swap shelf. The books on there don’t really belong to the restaurant. You take them home and keep them if you put another book in its place. I’ve done it a lot. Sometimes I exchange a book for one of mine that I don’t read anymore. If I end up not liking the one I took from here, I just exchange it for another one from the shelf again. It’s a very cheap way to discover and read new books.”

Joan sits there, listening to Ava talk about second hand books so passionately it seems like she might implode, and all she can think of is  _ “Damn, I love this nerd.” _

“I’m sorry, I’m talking too much, aren’t I?” Ava asks when she notices Joan staring off into infinity.

“No! No, you’re not. I love how passionate you are about this. It’s very cute.”

Ava makes a face. “Are we gonna become one of those gross and clingy couples?”

Joan bursts out laughing. “I wanna say no, because I hate those couples, but honestly? I can’t make any promises.”

  
  


After dinner and dessert, Joan and Ava take the metro and wander through the streets of San Francisco. There are still two hours until midnight. All stores are closed and despite the many (often drunk) people in the streets, the city has something peaceful. The christmas lights are shining bright everywhere; leaving the streets in a warm glow. Ava is stopped by a few half-drunk old classmates who are all on their way to  _ “the best party to end the year”,  _ where there will supposedly be even more people Ava knows. They ask her if she wants to come with, but much to Joan’s relief, she declines.

Two hours go by fast and soon Joan finds herself at the bay, looking at the Golden Gate Bridge. There are five minutes until midnight, but there isn’t a single person there with them.

“Are you sure we’ll see the fireworks from here?” she asks.

“Yeah. Most people gather about a mile that way,” Ava points in the direction of the bridge, “but we’ll see just as much from here. The only thing we’ll miss is the countdown, you can’t see the screen from here.”

“Okay.” Joan couldn’t care less about the countdown. They can count down themselves if they want to, and this way she’ll have Ava all to herself. Imagine if they’d be standing in the big crowd of people and Ava would meet more people she knows. They would want to stick with her and count down to 2021 with her, leaving Joan as a third wheel. She’s glad they’re here. Alone.

“One minute Joanie,” Ava says as she shows Joan her phone. The 11:59 on the lockscreen blocks out most of Ava’s forehead on the picture. Her head rests on Joan’s shoulder and she’s smiling brightly at the camera. Joan thinks her own smile looks too forced in the picture. It was taken by Alix in their dorm room, after Ava ambushed Joan by grabbing her and yelling  _ Smile! _ You can still see the surprise in Joan’s eyes.

The fireworks start exploding. Sparkles in all kinds of bright colours light up the sky, accompanied by a ton of noise.

“Happy New Year,” Ava whispers. Joan can barely hear it over the deafening explosions.

“Happy New Year,” she says, and then kisses Ava. Okay, let’s be honest here. This is what she had dreamed of when Ava first proposed she’d come home with her for winter break again. She had tried to push the fantasy down, so sure it wouldn’t happen. Yet here she is, watching the fireworks with Ava, giving her a New Year’s kiss. As if it had always been like this. As if they were never not dating. It’s enchanting.

Ava lets her head rest on Joan’s shoulder as they watch the big finale of the firework show. One  _ bang  _ after another, until all of the fireworks have run out. Only when they’re absolutely sure nothing else is coming, no more surprise fireworks, they walk back to the metro to go home, their fingers entangled and shoulders touching. Ava hands Joan one of her airpods. Joan puts it in and hears Taylor Swift’s New Year’s Day playing.

“Really?”

Ava grins. Joan soon finds out she has put the song on repeat, because after walking for fifteen minutes, she’s still hearing the same lyrics. They start to get to her, mean something.

_ There's glitter on the floor after the party _

_ Girls carrying their shoes down in the lobby _

_ Candle wax and Polaroids on the hardwood floor _

_ You and me forevermore _

_ Don't read the last page _

_ But I stay when it's hard or it's wrong or we're making mistakes _

_ I want your midnights _

_ But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day _

_ Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you _

_ Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you _

_ Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you _

_ And I will hold on to you _

_ Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere _

_ Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere _

She squeezes Ava’s hand and whispers: “Promise me you’ll never become a stranger whose laugh I could recognise anywhere.”

“You and me forevermore, Joanie,” Ava whispers back. Joan smiles and really hopes Ava means this. She never wants to lose her.


	16. epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It has been twenty years since Joan and Ava last saw each other, and fate brings them together again. Are they getting their happy ending?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so despite the college part of this au being set in 2020 and the 24 year time jump, this chapter starts in 2013 so we can get back to the canon timeline
> 
> also i wrote all of this because i am very upset about ava leaving sprqpoint and i didn' spellcheck it so there might be some typos in here, sorry in advance

It has been nearly twenty years since Joan last saw Ava. Over twenty-four years since that first New Year’s Eve they spent together. A lot has changed since then, by now Joan only remembers snippets of her college years with Ava. Once she graduated she started working her way up through different tech companies, always looking for new challenges, and today she’s starting her newest: a job as Executive Director of the fourth floor at SPRQPoint.

Joan takes the stairs to the fourth floor on her first day. By the time she reaches the second floor she has already decided she’s _never_ doing that again. She composes herself before leaving the stairwell. Her team consists of all men, most of them in their twenties and early thirties, who like to mess around. Joan probably wouldn’t have gotten through the first day if she hadn’t known she would be working together with the Executive Director of the sixth floor, a woman about her age. She hasn’t met her yet, but according to what she’s heard so far, she’s a fun person and pleasant to work with. They’re meeting tomorrow morning to get to know each other and talk about how their floors will work together.

* * *

Joan gets to the meeting five minutes early and before she has even turned the corner to the meeting room, she hears it. Someone is laughing. It’s a laugh Joan would recognise anywhere, even though she hasn’t heard it in years. She turns the corner and sees the meeting room. The door is open, but so far all she sees is a table surrounded by empty chairs. A bit reluctant, she steps inside.

“Ava?” She’s on the phone with someone.

“Joan!” Ava seems just as surprised as her. She tells the person on the other side of the line she’ll call back and hangs up. “What are y—oh. Of course.” Ava looks down at her SPRQPad. “Joan Bennett. You got married.”

Joan takes a seat at the table, right across Ava. She has aged, but she still looks as good as twenty years ago. Her hair is long and straightened now, instead of the high top curly buzz cut she had when Joan last saw her. It suits her well.

“Yeah… And you?”

“Did I get married?” Ava chuckles. “No. But I’m really happy for you. Glad to hear you and Chuck worked out.”

“Charlie,” Joan whispers. A wave of memories overcomes her, everything that led up to her and Ava losing touch. Shit.

Ava smiles politely. “Charlie, yes.” Sure, she remembers him all too well. Charlie Bennett, grade A douche and Joan’s best friend at her first job. Or at least, first job since they graduated college. Ava still hasn’t figured out why she liked him in the first place, even less why she fell for him. All the dude did was humiliate and belittle others.

There’s an awkward silence. Ava picks at her nails, Joan watches her.

“You still do that huh?”

“Huh?” Ava looks up at Joan.

“Your nails. You used to scratch off the nailpolish whenever you felt uncomfortable.”

Ava’s lips turn up into a half smile. “Well, I have an actual manicure right now so it won’t work with me. But yeah, old habits…”

Joan chuckles. “This is weird.”

“A little bit, yeah.” Ava admits. “We should probably get to it though. Whether we like it or not, we’re gonna be working together.”

Joan nods. “Okay, maybe start by telling me how you see this partnership and then we’ll put our ideas together?”

* * *

That evening, Ava is on Nic’s couch, glass of Chardonnay in hand and an episode of _The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills_ queued up on the TV. Nic comes out of the kitchen with a bag of nachos and cheese dip.

“So hold on. The Joan you’re gonna be working with is our Joan? And you didn’t know? Like at all?”

Ava rips the bag open and sighs. “They gave me her full name but guess what?” She takes a bite. She covers her mouth and keeps talking. “She got married and changed her name. It didn’t click until she was actually standing in front of me, but in retrospect I could have known it was her.” Ava takes another nacho.

“Oh my god, tell me it wasn’t that dude, uh,” Nic snaps her fingers, trying to remember his name, “come on, what’s-his-face.”

“Charlie.”

“Yes! Him!”

“Yeah, that’s the one. Missus Joan Bennett, can you believe it?”

Nic chuckles. “Man, I never thought they’d last. Wait, give me that,” she says, taking the cheese dip from Ava. She dips her nacho and before biting it, she asks: “Are you okay though? I mean, with your history and all that…”

“I don’t know. On one hand I’m kind of glad she and Charlie lasted so everything that happened wasn’t for no reason, but you know…” Ava sighs. “It’s just weird, you know?”

Nic nods, then hesitates. “Actually, I only vaguely remember what happened. Like, I remember enough to know it’s awkward, but not enough to actually _get_ it.”

“I’m not telling you the story again,” Ava says.

“Oh come on, _please,_ the way you tell it never fails to entertain me,” Nic laughs.

“I hate you so much.”

“No you don’t.”

Ava rolls her eyes. It’s true though, she could never hate Nic. There’s a reason she’s the only one she kept in touch with after the whole Charlie drama. After graduating college, Joan and Ava moved in together in an apartment in San Francisco. They were still dating back then. Both of them got jobs pretty fast, each at a different company. Joan became good friends with Charlie, a coder on her floor. Back then, Joan was a runner, trying to work her way up. Charlie promised he’d help her with that, put in a good word with the boss and all that. 

Ava told her she didn’t think it was a good idea, he would probably want something in return. Joan didn’t believe her and said she was just jealous. That might have been a little true, fine. Joan was working a lot and Ava saw less and less of her, but Joan could always find time for after work drinks with Charlie and some other coders. Eventually the day came, Joan got promoted. Ava had the champagne ready at home and she had invited Alix, El and Nic to come celebrate with them, but Joan showed up two hours late with Charlie by her side. They got in a huge fight, right there in front of everyone. Joan and Charlie had been celebrating on their own and Joan didn’t think to tell Ava about it first. They broke up that evening and Joan went home with Charlie.

Ava later found out Charlie had been making moves on Joan for a while, but she never gave into it because she was still dating Ava. She also found out that the only reason they were still dating was because Joan couldn’t work up the nerve to break up with her. Things got really ugly, their friends started picking sides. Things between them got smoothed over later, but for Ava, it was never the same. It felt like Alix and El had betrayed her. Sure, Alix had always been closer with Joan than her and El automatically sided with them, but it still hurt.

“Oh my god Ava, you’re not gonna believe this,” Nic gasps. She turns her phone toward Ava so she can read Alix’s message.

_Alix Maduro: Nic, we’re over at Joan’s house right now and she just told us that for her new job, she’s working with Ava! El is getting the details right now, how crazy is this?!_

“Why are we like this man? We broke up twenty years ago and we still act the same. Why? How does that even happen?”

“Hey, don’t look at me, I had nothing to do with that,” Nic says, raising her hands up in defense.

“Ask them if Charlie is there too and how he reacted.”

Nic raises her eyebrows in a meaningful glare.

“Oh come on, don’t look at me like that. Just ask them.”

“I’m not saying anything,” Nic sing-songs while typing. Ava scoots closer so she can see the screen. Alix is typing.

_Alix Maduro: He’s not home, Joan hasn’t told him yet apparently. I doubt she'l_ _l tell him unless absolutely necessary tbh_

“So, what’s your next move?” Nic smirks.

“Nothing, Nic. We’re just working together professionally.”

“Uhu, totally.”

“Oh shut up,” Ava groans, but she’s smiling. Nic lets the subject pass and presses play on _The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills._

* * *

“You are making me _so mad!”_ Joan screams. “Get out. _Get out!”_

Ava sees a very angry Charlie stomping out of Joan’s office. The fourth floor coders have all stopped what they’re doing. They’re all looking at Joan’s office.

“Hey, you!” Ava yells at a redheaded girl. She tears her eyes away from Joan to look at Ava.

“Yes?”

“What just happened?”

“Oh, uh. I don’t really know. Charlie walked in and Joan almost immediately started yelling. I didn’t really hear what he said to make her this mad.”

Ava frowns. “Okay, thanks, uh…”

“Zoey.”

“Right.” Ava claps her hands, getting the attention of all coders. “Come on, back to work everyone!”

She knocks and, without waiting for an answer, steps inside Joan’s office. Joan looks up from her SPRQPad and relief spreads across her face when she realises it’s Ava.

“Are you okay?” Ava asks. “What was that all about?”

Joan groans. “He came by to tell me he’s leaving on one of his ‘work trips’” —she makes air quotes— “again. You and I both know that means another trip to Hawaii with that Sydney.” Joan spits the name out like it’s poison.

“Okay, I’m just gonna be blunt here. You know he does this, you know he cheats on you, and yet you’re still married to him. Why?”

“Well, we’ve been married for fifteen years, dating for almost twenty-two.”

“People get divorced all the time,” Ava counters.

“Yeah, but they don’t need their partner for business. I still need to work with him after this, how do I do that when the divorce makes things ugly?”

“Joan, please. Look at you. You’re a mess, you just yelled at him in front of the entire office. I don’t think things can get any uglier.”

“Oh god, did they all hear that?”

Ava nods. “I actually came over here to talk about a new idea to merge the fourth and sixth floor and have coders work on both floors, but you’re clearly not up for that.” She looks around and gets an idea. “Come on, we’re taking the rest of the day off.”

“No, Ava, I can’t. I have a lot of stuff to get done.”

“There’s no way in hell you’re getting anything done like this. Come on, we’re going.” Ava links her arm with Joan’s and walks out, pulling Joan with her.

“We look ridiculous.”

“If you would just come with me, we wouldn't have to look ridiculous.”

Joan jerks her arm from Ava’s grasp. “Fine. Where are we going?”

“My place. What you need, my friend, is a distraction. How long will Charlie be gone?”

Joan thinks. “He didn’t say. Probably a week? It’s usually about a week, depending on the flights.”

Ava calls the elevator and grins. “Great! Let’s go pack your suitcase then, you’re staying with me for the week.”

Joan wants to protest, but she knows it’s no use. She’s known Ava long enough to know she’s not giving up. And so, Joan drives Ava to her house and allows her to help her pack. As soon as they’re done, Ava drives Joan’s car to her own house. Joan has never been here before, despite working with Ava for over two years now. They usually keep things professional and all non-work related things have taken place on neutral ground, never at either one's house.

“It’s… not how I pictured it,” Joan says. Ava lives in a house in the San Francisco suburbs. The neighbourhood can’t be far from where Ava’s dad lives. Or used to live? Ava’s house is all brown bricks and it’s overgrown with hydrangeas. There’s a little garden in front, perfectly neat. Joan almost dares to bet that not a single blade of grass is longer than the others.

“Yeah, I got really into plants a few years ago. Anyway, follow me.”

Joan takes her suitcase from the trunk of her car and does as she says. Ava walks around the house and enters through the back door. She makes a wide arm gesture. “Welcome to my crib.”

“Please don’t ever say that again.”

As soon as Ava has made sure Joan is comfortable, she starts listing things they can do together to keep busy.

“We could go swimming in the bay or go for a walk, binge a show, cook together, watch Mamma Mia—highly recommend that one—play Monopo—”

Joan covers Ava’s mouth with her hand. “That’s enough, thank you.” Ava licks her hand, which makes Joan pull away, looking disgusted. “Real mature Ava, what are you, five?”

“So, what do you wanna do?”

“Wash my hands,” Joan scowls. Ava points her to the kitchen sink.

Eventually they end up watching Mamma Mia, because Ava is convinced it’s the ultimate breakup movie. Joan reminds her that she and Charlie didn’t break up, but Ava waves it away. When the movie is over, Ava and Joan go upstairs to prepare the guest room. Ava wanted to do it alone, but Joan insisted on coming. Otherwise she’d just sit there scrolling on her phone, being reminded of Charlie and Sydney. At least now she’s making herself useful.

Joan stays in the guest room for two days, until she starts feeling lonely. It feels stupid to lay there all alone when Ava is just one floor below her, alone in her king-size bed. On the third night, Joan crawls out of bed, goes down the stairs and appears beside Ava’s bed. She feels like a kid telling their mom they threw up. Ava is sitting upright in bed, reading.

“Hey, what’s up? I thought you were asleep already.”

“Is it okay if I sleep here with you?” Joan asks.

Ava looks surprised. “Uh, sure. Get in.”

Without saying another word, Joan lays down beside Ava. She watches her read, until Ava notices her staring.

“Do you want me to turn off the light?” she asks.

“No, it’s fine. Keep reading if you want.”

“Actually, I just finished my chapter,” Ava says, putting the book down on her nightstand. “Goodnight Joanie.”

“Night Avie,” Joan whispers. Ava’s heart skips a beat. Joan hasn’t called her Avie in twenty-three years. She stopped calling her Avie when Ava started getting jealous of Charlie. It always hurt Ava just a little bit, or maybe more.

Joan is half asleep when she scoots closer to Ava. “Just like old times,” she mumbles. Ava puts her arm around her and sighs. _Yeah, just like old times,_ she thinks. She places a soft kiss on Joan’s hair. When they wake up spooning the next morning, neither one addresses it. The whole day after this feels off. They drive to work together, talk to their teams about working on two floors from now on and meet later to discuss the specifics for the next week. Ava has a hard time focussing on work when the only thing going through her mind is Joan crawling closer to her last night, especially with Joan sitting across from her all day.

As soon as they get home, Ava bursts. “Should we talk about last night?”

“Why? Nothing happened,” Joan says.

Ava pinches the bridge of her nose. “Okay. I’m gonna say this and I’m probably gonna regret it, but I’ll also regret it if I don’t say it, so might as well take a chance.” Ava fixates her gaze on a spot on the kitchen floor. “I really liked going back to how we used to be, even if it was only for one night. When you called me Avie, it…” She sighs. “I’ve just really missed being this close to you. You were my best friend before we dated and it’s sad we lost that when you met Charlie, especially now.”

“Why especially now?” Joan asks, trying to get around the elephant in the room.

“Because he treats you like shit, Joanie! You deserve better.”

Joan waits a beat before saying anything. “And you are… better?”

Ava is taken aback by the comment. “I mean… That’s not entirely where I thought I was going with this, but yes. Honestly, Joan, everyone is better than Charlie. Even that Leif guy on your floor would be better than Charlie.”

Joan makes a disgusted face. “Yeah, that’s not happening. But… Are you serious?”

“About what?”

“About liking how we went back to how we used to be.”

Ava looks Joan in the eyes. She has the most sincere look in her eyes, with a dash of hope, maybe. It’s possible that’s just what Ava wants to see.

“Yes,” she whispers. As soon as the word leaves her mouth, Joan steps closer to her. And in this one, frightening second that seems to last forever, Ava doesn’t know what’s gonna happen. And she’s scared. And excited. Worried. She’s feeling all the emotions at once. But then Joan kisses her, and all is right in the world. Nothing matters anymore, only her and Joan in her kitchen, making out like nothing bad ever happened between them. Like Charlie never came, like they’re still in college, not worried about a thing.

The next morning, Ava wakes up more content than she has felt in a long time. When she turns her head, she sees Joan’s naked body laying in bed next to her, breathing softly. Ava gives her a soft kiss and gets up.

“Avie?” Joan groans, her voice hoarse because she only just woke up. “Where are you going?”

“Shower,” Ava says. “I didn’t mean to wake you, sorry.”

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it. Enjoy your shower.”

Ava smiles at Joan and blows her a kiss. Joan smiles back, and as soon as Ava has left the room, she goes back to sleep.

* * *

When Charlie comes back, Joan goes home again. Back to him. Ava is more hurt than she’d ever show Joan. But as soon as Charlie leaves for a ‘work trip’ again, Joan and Ava spend every minute together again. This goes on for a few months, until Ava can’t take it anymore. She’s tired of being the second choice. She and Joan start fighting and it carries over to the workplace. Their floors get separated again and Ava convinces management to make the sixth floor only accessible with a special access card. Her and Joan start working together less and less, but it’s not enough. 

Ava is torn. She wants Joan in her life, forever. But she also wants her gone. She’s hurt, but in love. It's the worst kind of hurt, because no matter how much you want to hate the person that caused it, you just can’t.

Despite all the measures Ava takes to protect her heart, every now and then she gets roped back in. She just can’t help it, she can’t say no to Joan. It isn’t until five years later that Joan finally files for divorce. Ava doesn’t know what the final drop was, but now the bucket is overflowing and Joan wants Charlie out of her life. And, to absolutely no one's surprise, the first person Joan runs to is Ava.

“I can’t take this right now Joan,” Ava says.

“Look, I’m sorry. I’m sorry it took me this long. I should have left him years ago, I know. I know I hurt you and I shouldn’t have. I’m not trying to say it wasn’t my fault, because it was, but please, Ava. Please, I can’t do this without you.”

Ava is fighting the urge to kiss Joan. She’s happy they finally have an actual chance, but she also wants to be mad at her. To make her feel the pain she has been feeling for years. But she can’t, she can’t let this chance go just because she’s too stubborn.

“Okay, you know what? If you can last three months without running back to Charlie, I’ll give you another chance. One more. Capisce?”

“Do we have to?” Joan groans.

“Joanie, do you really want to go for this?”

“Yes,” Joan says without hesitating once.

“Then show me that. Show me you want no one else.”

* * *

Three months later, Joan hasn’t so much as thought about Charlie. Sure, she rebounded with Leif, but Ava called that more of a self-punishment. She mostly laughed about it when Joan told her and thanked her for immediately apologising to her after it happened. Seriously, Ava isn’t sure Leif had even left the room when Joan called her to tell her she fucked up.

And now? Now Joan is at Ava’s door, too nervous to ring the bell. Her phone rings.

“Are you coming in or what? You’ve been on my doorstep for almost ten minutes,” Ava says.

“If you saw me, why didn’t you just open the door?”

“I wanted to see how long it would take you to finally muster up the courage. Come through the back door, it’s open.”

Ava hangs up. Joan squints and looks through the window. The sun’s reflection is blocking her view, but she’s pretty sure she can see Ava sitting on the couch. She Puts her phone in her pocket and sighs, walking around the house.

“So, you made it,” Ava grins, walking into the kitchen.

“You’re enjoying this too much.”

“I’m very sorry, m’lady.”

Joan rolls her eyes. “Please, Ava, be normal.”

Ava is just standing there, big grin on her face. “You still want to do this?”

“No, I stood there too scared to ring a doorbell just because it seemed fun. Yes, I still want to.”

Ava smiles genuinely, wrapping her arms around Joan. Joan relaxes into Ava’s embrace, taking in everything about her. The way Ava’s hair tickles her nose, the smell of her shampoo and her hands on Joan’s back, gently rubbing it. Ava pulls back a little bit, so she can look Joan in the eyes.

“Thank you for doing this for me.”

“I would have done anything for you,” Joan says. “I’m sorry, that sounded gross.”

“I liked it,” Ava grins. “I love you, Joanie.”

“I love you too,” Joan says. As she says it, she knows she truly means it. She really would have done anything to win Ava’s love. She would have climbed Mount Everest if that’s what it took. She kisses Ava, and that’s it. It sure took them a long time to get here, but in Joan’s honest opinion, it was all worth it. They never would have made it this far without the speed bumps along the way. This will be the start of the rest of their lives together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was actually planning to make this au longer than it ended up being, but because i have to write my thesis and do an internship, i had to stop writing it. maybe one day i'll be back with te rest of the story, maybe i won't. either way, thank you so much for reading!


End file.
